Yami Yugi Moves Out!
by Pachelbel
Summary: Yugi and the gang are going away to college, and Yami decides it's time he goes out on his own as well. He won't even know what hit him....
1. I Begin The Search

Author's Notes: I know my Yami Diary isn't finished, but that's okay, you don't have to have read that to understand this. This takes place long after that, so Yami has learned to love Yugi and the gang (in his Pachelbel-makes-me-sarcastic way). Anyway, I wrote this based on the frustration I have while I'm trying to come up with money to move, and a place for me and my friend to go when we do get money. Without further ado, but with a disclaimer stating I don't own these chars and made no money, I give you....

  
  


YAMI MOVES OUT!

  
  


August 12

Went to store today with Yugi, Tristan, and Joey. All three are preparing for college (must keep certain comments on the likelihood of Joey and Tristan staying in college to myself), and stocking up on 'necessary' items. Suppose if one plans to die an early, painful death, then chips and bean dip can be considered necessary. Never developed taste for deep fried grease balls myself, and as such, am probably most fit in group. Being dead probably helps.

Went off on own for a little while (managed to convince Yugi to slip into the bathroom for a bit so as not to terrify onlookers with suddenly appearing out of nowhere.) Felt very depressed then. Here Yugi is becoming independent, self sufficient, branching out to learn useful skills for a bright future. What have I got? Tactical genius up the wazoo, and pocket lint to show for it. As if being Pharaoh counts for less than dirt nowadays. (Still cannot believe people pay money for 'special' dirt to put plants in).

Was kicking self for feeling bad, and then noticed something. MY future was right in front of me on a shelf (which, by the way, was sticky with some little kid's soft drink. Why do I always manage to find those shelves?) In the form of a Housing And Apartments magazine.

Unfortunately, Yugi came along then, having finished shopping, so I stuffed it under jacket (I had no money) and we walked out. Got sticky magazine for free. Was sticky, so I don't feel too bad about 'stealing'. I figure I did them a favor.

Am very excited, and Yugi is asleep, so will stop writing to read about loans and 'interest rates'.

  
  


August 14

Yugi, Joey, Tea, Tristan off getting school supplies. Told Yugi I had something important to do. Will show them I can survive just fine in 'modern' world. (Subtly brought up differences between Egypt and the modern world last night, and got into rather nasty fight with Tristan. Could have been fueled by my saying he couldn't even have survived as a cat in my time, but only said that because he said I was 'behind the times', but that was after I said he was unfit for college and it was too bad he couldn't still sell himself into slavery. So really don't know who started this fight, but bigger point is that I won.)

Am on bus downtown to check out first apartment on my rather long list. I admit, at first I chose places that would be close to Yugi's dorm, but then got annoyed with self and chose places on furthest edge of town, then realized it was unpractical and chose more in the middle. I hope they're in the middle. Don't understand 'modern' road structure. Will wing it.

Apartment Number One. NO WAY. Mildew smell the instant I got off bus should have warned me, but no-o-o. I thought it was coming from rusted overflowing dumpster outside apartment building. Was wrong. Should have run back to the bus, or better yet, run home after the smell got worse on the inside. Lucky me, was soon relieved from awful mildew stench by distinct bloody smell on the third floor. Figured, well the apartment is on the fourth floor, so I won't have to deal with third floor problems. Was for some reason hoping for grand paradise on the fourth floor, though as I climbed the stairs the building steadily became worse.

Found puddle of blood and vomit outside Room 406 (my would-be home), and finally turned tail. Well, actually I kicked open the door and found the murderer; knocked him into the Shadow Realm and then raced back down the stairs, though now the bottoms of my shoes stink and I can't get rid of it. Hope someone calls police before both the guy and the victim stink up the rest of the fourth floor. Stupid mortals; really ought to bring back mummification.

Will buy shoes with Yugi's new credit card (hope he doesn't miss it before he gets home) so as to leave good impression with future renters. Will then burn old shoes.

  
  


Apartment Number Two is somewhat better, but not by much. It is in the area of town Tea calls "the slums" or "crud town" or simply "please don't make me go there! Let's find another store!". Debated with self for long time over advantages/disadvantages of not having the group over, but think that idea of taking over the "Slums" and turning it into my personal pseudo-Egypt is better.

The apartment itself does not stink, but is very small. Went to inspect kitchen (has microwave and sink and two cupboards), but almost got stuck as it is very narrow. Suppose I could deal. Bathroom has chipped tile, so would be unable to walk in there barefoot. Still, I put it on the List.

Got on bus, and discovered Apartment Four is actually Mansion Number One. Began to worry when apartments got bigger and bigger...and bigger still. Became mansions. Was too late to stop, however. Stopped in front of blue and white gigantic home, with a fence and a gate with finger-print ID locks. Now must get out to inspect, but am very much in love with the place. Think I will take it, and then buy two guard dogs and many, many cats.

  
  


One hour later:

Have definitely changed mind. Am in car with real estate agent, speeding down the road back into the city. Will describe events in detail now, before we convince ourselves we were only drunk.

First of all, the place was beautiful. What a cruel lure for unsuspecting people! We went into the kitchen, which was bright and sunny and overlooked a huge backyard with a swimming hole. But then the knives all came out of the drawers and chased us. I didn't want to use my powers in front of the mortal, so we just ran, and she went upstairs rather than out the door. Speaking of doors, I opened the closet and all the knives flew into it and (thank Ra) stuck there. Then I went to tell her it was okay, we could leave, when I noticed a little doll walking out of one of the bedrooms with a rope tied into a noose, chasing the real estate agent.

All the doors were flying open and shut, which was very confusing and rather annoying (what? I'm dead, aren't I?) I heard the front door distinctly open, and I turned around at the top of the stairs to see the bus driver standing there dripping wet from the rain. (What rain??? It wasn't raining when I got there!) His eyes were white and rolled back, and then his head started spinning around and around and around....very hypnotic, actually.

I tackled the doll the way Tristan does, wound up smashing its little porcelain face in. Then used the noose to lasso the bus driver and I tied him up against the stairwell.

Luckily, the real estate agent had the presence of mind to go back towards an exit. She called me a superhero. I called her a psycho for trying to sell a place like this to paying customers and stormed out. She graciously offered me a ride (I did just save her life, after all.)

Will continue house hunt tomorrow.


	2. I Need A Job I'm a lowlife moocher

Author's Notes: Thank you for the (positive) reviews! I don't actually have much to say, it's just force of habit to put up a spot for Author's Notes, and I thought I'd thank you all for taking the time to review :D I'm also changing the title from "Yami Moves Out" to "Yami Yugi's Modern Adventures". Or some such...if you have a better title *hint hint* I'd like to hear.

  
  


August 15

Realized fatal flaw in brilliant plan. In order to get loan to buy apartment....I must have a job. Mr. Bunker at the bank could not grasp idea that the reason I need the loan in the first place is because I DON'T HAVE A PAYING JOB!!!

So had to ditch Happy House Hunt to apply at various fast food places, as I lack any proof of my inherent genius (in other words, a diploma). I dread thought of working at any place with the name of "Happy Burger Land", or worse, "McDonald's". Cannot stand idea that I would be forced to wear awful uniform; besides, hats do not work with my hair.

BUT money is money, so we'll see.

  
  


Aug. 17

Sat around Moto house all day yesterday while Yugi was off with friends and grandfather (just like today). I pestered fast-food-could-be-employers. Got job at "Mr. Sourpuss's Lemonade Land". So now I ask: Can I really be desperate enough to work there?

...Am dressed in disgusting yellow shirt and matching shorts, so apparently yes. Kill me now.

Go to work in an hour, but am torn between letting Yugi or Joey see me like this and going out in public looking like....like.......a banana. Sigh. Will brave the streets.

  
  


An hour and a half later: At work.

Hands sticky from Devil Spit known as 'lemonade'. Ears ringing from kids on sugar high. Mouth watering at sight of money (which Sarah, the man-hating supervisor, won't let me touch). Eye twitches every time bell rings as customer comes in and Sarah says, "Welcome to Mr. Sourpuss! What can we squeeze for you today?" For one thing, she is way too cheerful about it. As if she enjoys saying that over and over, and over, and over, and then some more. Also, there is no "we", just me, getting lemon juice in my eyes.

Luckily, there is no chance Yugi will ever come here. Must go now. Sarah insisting lemonade doesn't make itself.

  
  


August 18:

Spent all morning in the shower, then rejoined with Yugi. Was too tired last night to shower, so had fun time peeling pajamas off my sticky skin. Got impatient and accidentally ripped hem of my fine black silk sleep clothes. Will take closer look at lemonade ingredients; possibilities for a lawsuit must not be overlooked.

  
  


August 19: Mr. Sourpuss is closed today!! 

Considered quitting and making a living by throwing myself in front of cars and suing the drivers like Bob the homeless guy...imagined doing it about 12 times before came up with new brilliant plan. I, Yugioh, formerly called Bel Um Fal the Pharaoh of Egypt, will now be Yami Yugi,

THE HISTORY PROFESSOR.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


My Resume:

Last Name: Moto First Name: Yugioh

Date of Birth: ........?

Education: I was taught by my mother and father until my father died and I assumed the throne and title of 'Pharaoh of all Egypt'. I planned to make that 'Pharaoh of all the World', but my plans were thwarted when I had to put a stop to certain dangerous Shadow Games.

  
  


....Scratched my 'Stunning Resume' approach. Will just have to wow them with my extensive historical knowledge. Will report when I return from the University. Look stunning in brown velvet-corduroy suit; found it in Yugi's attic. It was in a box marked 'Vintage'. Took some time to get moth-ball smell out of clothes, and now smell of aftershave. Perhaps a bit too much, as the bottle spilled and I'm getting dizzy from sweet, manly scent.

  
  


Later:

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!! Despite the fact that I have never been to a (modern) school, they found my "inexplicable knowledge of the Ancient Worlds" to be too good to pass up. Their only problem was they thought I was too 'biased' against non-Egyptian civilizations. Oh well. Students will come to agree with me, and then administrators' point of view will be worthless.

I start next month, fortunately at different school than Yugi and friends.


	3. I Meet A Feminist, and Decide I Need A R...

Yami Yugi Moves Out!

  
  


August 25:

  
  


I started work today. Was afraid I'd end up being late, and so slept in my brown vintage corduroy suit. Discovered Corduroy does not wrinkle, but silk tie does, and had to steal ugly purple polka-dotted bow tie from Grandpa Moto. Wonder if I look ridiculous, and will have to go shopping later today. Must find way to sneak Yugi's credit card again...

My first class started at 8 and was full of young, irresponsible, exhausted, rather stupid mortals. But as I remember, lack of sleep is one of the first steps of torture and brain washing. 

Holy crap, I've discovered why school begins before the sun rises!

Gave them 20-page test to see what they know of ancient civilizations. Was some grumbling from students, and made mental note of their faces. Quickly docked them 70 points.

Naturally the class won't know some of the questions (for instance, 'What was the result of the poll taken by Ramses the Third, asking what each household of the nobles preferred for mid-day meal?' Or 'Who came up with the idea of mummification, and what were his/her reasons?' 'How was mummification actually 'discovered'?' 'What significance did gold play for Osiris?') But by the end of the term, they will know, or my name isn't Yugioh The History Teacher.

Will ignore fact that it is not my name.

  
  


Lunch:

Cannot understand reason for having lunch at 10 in the morning, but am not yet in position to overthrow school board and change schedules so they are reasonable.

Ate strange food. Was called 'Brunch'...recognized sausages and shredded potatoes, but cannot tell if the other part was scrambled eggs or the aftermath of the cooks' rumored drinking habits.

I went for a walk, as I had no classes for three hours after lunch, and I came up with a wonderful idea. Wonder why it didn't come to me until today, and must assume that I have been spending too much time around Tea again.

Anyway...as I am rather poor at the minute, why not make someone else pay for my apartment? The bank won't do it, and frankly, I'm still quite pissed off with them, so will find other means.

Then heard a student complaining about a "room mate". Of course! If I let them stay in my apartment, they will HAVE to pay! Therefore, will begin "Roomy Hunt" in between classes.

  
  


Later:

The Great Roommate Hunt is not going well. Discovered that, as I am a professor, I cannot move in with a student. Had to scratch out all the girls' names who have come and hit on me since beginning work today. Went to talk to fellow school wardens (aka 'professors') and discovered most of them are married. Those that aren't...well...here I will expound on the story behind "Ms. Hansen Is A Dog":

  
  


Me: "Good afternoon, Miss Hansen." 

She looked up at me, then back at her paperwork. Then said, "Ms. Hansen."

I was surprised. This woman was hostile (got a voice that would freeze over Thebes) and all I did was greet her. "Pardon?"

"Miz Hansen," she snapped, finally looked at me again. "'Miss' indicates that you think I am single."

"Aren't you?" I became very confused, and a tad pissed with her. How dare she speak to me like this?

"Yes," she drawled out. "Are you implying I can't find a spouse? That I am somehow less of a person because I don't have a golden shackle around my finger?"

I blinked a few times. Was wondering if this is really the same school I started at this morning? Her attitude is very 'Seto-Kaiba'. "No, that's not at all what I-"

"Oh fine," she snorted. "What is it that you want, Mister....?"

Good, asking for my name. I thought maybe she wanted to start over on the right foot. "I have been called many things. Pha--er, Yugioh...."

"I didn't ask for your life story," she cut me off (again). "Just give me your name. Is it Yug-whats-it or not?"

"No," I could feel my magical third eye beginning to glow. Took much effort to stop it. "I am called Yami."

"Mr. Yami? Aren't you the new Ancient Civilizations Professor?"

"Yes." I tried very hard at that point not to bear a grudge and get to some friendly ground. If there is any with this woman. "What do you teach?"

"Women's Studies." 

Okay.....what??? What would they study in a class called 'Women's Studies'...? Suddenly, I was thinking very, very bad, un-Yugi-safe thoughts. I stammered out something like, "Oh, I see," which offended her (again).

"What do you mean by that?"

"Ah, just that I...it is....an interesting topic, but not one that I would...ah, that is to say...."

"Did you come here to get to know me, or criticize my work?"

I shook my head. "I came to ask if you would come live with me in my new apartment, since you are single and you live alone."

She turned a very disgusting red-purple color. "Get out! You chauvinistic-"

At which point I ran out the door and barricaded it with some desks that were in the hall for cleaning.

Have been avoiding co-workers ever since.

  
  


5 am the next day:

Can't sleep. Yugi snores sometimes, and it makes Millennium Item rattle. Tried to cover his face with his stuffed tiger when he first started some years ago, but then I couldn't explain myself because he thought I was trying to kill him and wouldn't listen to me.

Went out and watched TV. A strange sitcom came on...about...room mates! Why must they torture me so? They seem so blissfully happy. Sharing rent, bathroom, kitchen, amusing stories, and hugs. Believe it to be an omen.

Once I finished crying (Joey, if you are reading this, I have placed a curse on my book in the form of pepper spray which will go off....now) and feeling sorry for myself, Ra (the sun) came up and I said "Yes, Father, I can find a roommate AND an apartment."

Surely he believes me. Well? Don't you? ...Please?

Yugi is up. Must hide diary and get ready for work. (Forgot to mention shopping yesterday: Yugi saw me in his grandfather's old suit. Will try to forget his reaction, but am certain you can imagine. He was nice and took me to a custom tailor shop, figuring I was having an after-life crisis because he was moving away and that was why I was dressed so strangely. Fortunately, got very nice new clothes for work. Unfortunately, Yugi found out about previous times I took his wallet, and due to mind link knew it wasn't Joey or Tristan. Got thumped, but I was too happy with my new clothes to fight back.)


	4. I Find A Roommate!

Author's Notes: If one must write their stories during 'busy time' (such as work, school, church if you go, etc.) Then do not, under any circumstance, leave your notebook where you can't rescue it if need be... Especially when the writing happens to be in Tengwar. Then certain 'parental units' (take my father for example) will think it's gibberish and throw it out. So, if you were wondering about the delay, uhm...now you know! I've also decided to do dates/times in caps, because it makes it easier to edit when I don't have to look around for where I left off.

  
  


AUGUST 27:

Continued search for roommate. Met an auto mechanic named Jimbo. Was a very interesting man. Very much like Miss (oh, excuse me, *Ms.*) Hansen, only he is very pro-men, and wouldn't let me forget how much weaker women are.

May have considered him for my list of possible Room Mates, except found his obsession with strength rather annoying. Decided to help him overcome his flaw (and Ms Hansen's) instead. Set up time for them to be alone together.

Sent Jimbo to her classroom not one hour ago, after bribing Hansen's only friend so that Hansen would believe Jimbo was a repairman. Feel quite clever at the moment. How did I get Jimbo to go to her? Promised him it would be a "good time". Read that saying off a restroom wall. Was warned by Yugi not to read anymore bathroom walls, but curiosity dictates that I must.

Went for a walk at lunch, and found a little "Egyptian" store. Wasn't that authentic, but met very nice old lady named Edith. She is really only 63, which is some 1,000 years younger than myself, but I let her think I am in my 20's.

We chatted for around 3 hours and now I am her roomy. Made me promise not to call her granny at any time, because that's where the last guy messed up. Shouldn't be a problem; more worried that I'll slip up and call her 'young one'.

Wait. She's had roommates before? Why is it so hard for me to get someone to share the rent?! Must reevaluate my persuasive people skills. Must tell Yugi today, as I have a place to go now. 

Also, can tell him of my many new adventures. Yay, events and reflection of this day has left me feeling brave and attractive!

  
  


SEVERAL HOURS LATER:

This is how our conversation went:

"Yami? Are you home- What are you doing?!" (I was taking posters off of 'our' wall and trinkets out of 'our' drawers; note that Yugi is much less charitable when gifts he has given me are no longer available for him to use and/or view. Suppose I am infecting him slowly with my Yami-ness, but would rather blame Bakura or Kaiba.)

I stood up and faced him. "Aibou...Yugi...I am a History Professor and, as you are moving up in the world, I must move out." (Upon further reflection, I realize I was probably making him feel guilty. Oops. It seems to be much easier to talk to him in the Puzzle.) "I'm living with a nice woman named Edith uptown."

Yugi's mouth dropped open. Was a long moment of silence, which I considered breaking by telling him he looked like a fish and probably ought to close his mouth again, but he spoke first.

"You what?!" 

It felt like I'd said a lot. Am not a talkative person. Considered which parts to repeat, but again he spoke first. "You can't, Yami! Since when did you live uptown? Did you just say you're a History professor?!" I nodded, feeling strangely calm. For some reason, I thought we'd stepped into that TV show, 'The Twilight Zone'. Started humming the theme song in my head, but as Yugi hears much of what goes on in my head when we are together, this turned out to be a big mistake.

"Aren't you listening to me?" Kid was practically in tears. Suddenly I felt like a jerk. A big jerk with 'Stupid' stamped right across his forehead. Except I already have a stamp on my forehead (it only appears when I get angry or when I'm standing under a black light) so 'Stupid' would have to go somewhere else, like my mouth. Except it seems my mouth is occupied by my feet most of the time. Leaves only a few other 'Stampable' places which I will not go into.

"Of course I am listening to you, Yugi," I said, trying to get him to calm down. "But we both have lives; that doesn't mean I won't still have the time or energy to swoop in and rescue you or your friends when you, inevitably, find yourselves in danger."

He didn't seem to comprehend what I was saying. My mind had already moved on to another topic, much more fascinating than our argument if I do say so. "Oh, speaking of danger, Yugi, while I was house hunting I found the strangest places. Did you ever see 'The Exorcist'?"

Yugi shook his head. Was going to continue rambling, but he wanted to go back to arguing. "Yami, listen to me!"

Wasn't he listening to me? Because I already told him I was listening to him!

"You don't have to move out! I'm sorry if you've felt ignored, or...or left behind or something."

I nodded. "I want to move out. I want to have the wild parties, but with the Faculty instead of beer-hogging freshman. No offense intended. The Faculty, why, most of them look older than I am! It makes me feel wise, Yugi. I think this is a wise decision." Hah. My logic has rarely been outdone by him, so I assumed he would agree. He didn't like it, but conceded that it was in fact my life (or afterlife, depending on how you look at it) and I had as much right to move out as he did.

Grandpa Motou walked by then. He burst out laughing and pointed at Yugi, screaming "Now you know how I feel! Now you know how I feel!"

Took that opportunity to hug Yugi (which was awkward, due to the fact I was juggling three boxes of my things) and ran out the door. So here I sit at a bus stop, waiting for a bus which may or may not arrive before I have to take out a group of vandals.

  
  


AUGUST 28:

Have learned new game from Edith. It is called 'Canasta'. She had her friends come over; all of them are over 70, Edith turns out to be 68 and the youngest, but still their ages added together don't even scratch my awe-inspiring years.

Even so, have become very good friends. Felt very welcomed after a while; at first they called me 'son' and 'kid', but I began using archaic phrases and they now think of me as one of them. ("them" being "potential groupies at a rest home").

Beat all of their socks off, told them story of my reign as the Game King. Learned about Selma's time as a baseball player back during 'The War'. (What war? The last war I remember involved those barbarians from the far desert.) So asked them to describe 'The War'. Didn't understand most of the terminology, but the stories were very amusing.

Tried Edith's Prune Juice. Was at first disgusting, but seem to have developed a taste for it. (Am in fact treating myself to a nice glass now, as I am writing). Her friends made both of us dinner, since we just moved in and have boxes all over. Joey sent me a cookie. Tristan and Tea bought me a couple of oranges. Yugi's presents seem to have backed up the post office, so will receive them whenever they come. Anyway, am tired now and going to bed.

  
  


SEPTEMBER 3:

Have had no time to write this past week. Have my classes scared of my large, spontaneous, sometimes unanswerable tests and so they have all bonded together as a family and study every spare moment they get. Feel very proud of myself. Am the envy of the faculty, seeing as how the grant the government gives to a few teachers every year will probably go to me.

Also, Edith and her friends are very obsessed with their games, and we all stay up late into the night playing Rummy, Gin, Canasta, Poker, Speed and now Duel Monsters, to name a few. 

Reminds me: I sent Ruth down to the Hobby Shop for a beginner-league Duel Monster tournament, and she is now known as 'Big Grandma' by adolescents everywhere.

However, feel something strange is going on with Edith. Not sure how to even describe it; dangerous isn't the right word. Oh well, probably nothing, so will get back to work.


	5. I'm Almost a Private Detective

Author's Notes: Well, here it is, the next part! And Happy Thanksgiving! If you don't celebrate it, then Happy 28th of November, day of the Lone Wolf! I love my reviewers! Some of whom I will list and thank here, due to Thanksgiving. Sorry; this'll take some time, but the story IS down below, if you don't want to bother reading my thankful list.

Evil Black Kitty (love the penname!) Thank you for being the first reviewer of YYMO. Usually, I won't continue if I don't get at least *one* review, so you ensured I'd keep going :D

Benign Sadist, thank you for reviewing every chapter! I really look forward to your reviews, since they encourage me A LOT.

Borath, Holy guacamole, I'm flattered you've reviewed! I love your stories; you rock! I'm also grateful for my shrine from the first chapter. Thank you!

Angel-soul03, thank you for reviewing as many of my stories as you have! Writing In YGO just isn't right until you've reviewed!

Talia Ali, thank you for the good luck in my home-hunting! And of course the idea of Yami's Teacher's Pet (now named Rupert Renfield)! That had me laughing like a madman for some time! *grins evilly*

K.A. Maples, you have also reviewed quite a few of my stories, which makes me extremely happy and also tends to make my self-esteem a tad bit big to fit through doorways!

Morning Mist: Thank you for your praise of Yami's sarcasm! Some people were a little leery of it, but as I'm unwilling to change the way I write him, I'm very glad you approve! Thank you for your support in my writing!

Meredith T. Tasaki, LoL, I loved your review! I'm a big fan of strange outburst-sayings; I'm adding yours to my list. See the story for details *grins*

Maria, your reaction to Yami's suit was exactly what I wanted! LOL!

Tatooinedweller, it's about time I saw another Star Wars fan here! I love your stories, and I recommend them highly to everyone!

Yugichii, thank you. Sometimes my humor is a bit dark or sarcastic, so it's really nice to know that you enjoy my writing.

KawaiiShinigami, I love to hear from you! I love Gundam Wing; I promise to r/r 'Glaring Dream' as soon as I'm not whacked-out-depressed! (You have permission to torture me if I don't R/R soon!)

Yamicat, Hehe, try to get your grandma to play sometime! LoL, if I ever get my grandma to, I'll post the picture.

Lena, thank you for the two-in-a-row reviews! It makes me really happy that I can hold someone's interest for more than a chapter at a time ;) I'm glad you liked the Haunted House, and that you got a kick out of 'Big Grandma'! (Winston is trying to make our mom into 'Big Mama' that's where I got the idea.)

Saendie, thank you much for the support of my Yami-writing!

  
  


Yami Yugi Moves Out!

SEPTEMBER 8:

  
  


Edith's one and only relative came over today. Is Saturday, so I have no classes and chose to sit around and eat applesauce. Very interesting show comes on in the mid-mornings, called 'Perry Mason'. Find it strangely addicting, as does Edith and her groupies.

Anyway, back to Edith's sole surviving family member. He is her great-nephew. He is 30-ish; he's also convinced he is Napoleon (apparently Napoleon was some sort of war hero or conqueror. All I know is I was better.)

Edith plays along for his sake, but filled me in on the 'he pretends to be a long-dead Frenchman' dealy after she sent him out to dig trenches. Found this unsettling; could he be like me? Is he in fact a spirit sealed away, trying to make his way in a modern world?

The answer....is no. He's just batty. But now that I know this, I can deal with it and not worry that he will try to kill me like Malik did.

Apparently Ted/Napoleon comes to visit her often. However, discovered my friend Edith is a player. Every other week she has a new boyfriend. Find this odd; she seems less than interested in romance, unless it is with Perry Mason. And she is not consistent with her 'type' of man. Some of them are angry old badgers; some are so nice they border on wimpy.

Asked her what happened to one very nice old man I happened to like (as he plays cards.) 

I wasn't about to say I didn't like her new man, even though I detest him. Instead I asked, "What happened to Bill?"

"Bill? The nice elderly chap with the brown cap?" I nodded. "Oh, he's dead." Take a moment to digest this...he's dead? Realize that they're mortal, but Bill seemed sturdy enough to me. Expected he would last at least a few more years.

"He's *what?*" 

She gave me a funny look. "Dead...haven't you ever lost someone? A cat, perhaps?"

"I know what death is! But..."

She smiled slightly and opened the fridge. "Well, everyone has their time, Yami. Is this your orange juice or mine?"

Find her total lack of sadness both admirable and a little frightening. Maybe she knows something I don't about this 'Bill is dead' situation.

Well, Perry Mason is on. Can't write. Must watch.

  
  


SEPTEMBER 13

  
  


Is Friday. I enjoy Fridays immensely. It is my official 'Test Day', and I often get asked out in discreet and not-so-discreet ways by some students. Have had to copy school's rules regarding the student/professor relationships, and enlarge it so that each letter is three feet tall. Then placed this all over the classroom. Begin to suspect some of my students cannot read; will dock them 30 points off of test for suspected cheating.

Students have given me a nickname, it seems. "Professor James Bond". Asked Yugi about this and learned it is because of my constant tuxedo-wearing. Asked if I should go back to my brown suit, and received very hasty and desperate compliments of my current appearance. And pleading not to wear 'vintage' ever again.

Did I mention that Yugi and I speak everyday on the phone? He is doing well. I think. Doubt he would tell me if he is failing classes, me being a professor and all. Anyway, he has decided to get me a cell phone so we can chat anywhere, anytime. Am worried about this; I saw the commercials, and certainly do not want some guy coming around trying to sell me a green couch or any such crap.

Ruth does not trust cell phones, car phones, or pay phones. Makes me feel smug; I am long past the fear of modern machinery. Except tanks. Find those strangely intimidating, but as they exist only in TV world, I don't lose any sleep over them.

.....Student just left an apple on my desk. What was his name? Renfield I think. Rupert Renfield or something. Ah, I remember him now. He is the only student in second hour class who does better than 60% on most tests.

Second hour is either very honest or very stupid. Will have to up their work load until they match my 5th hour class.

Napoleon is very busy of late digging trenches. According to Judy and Ruth, he is always busy though. Wonder just where he is digging? Doubt that it would be acceptable at the apartment complex. Have decided to spend a day following him around.

  
  


A FEW HOURS LATER:

Have begun my mission. So far, Napoleon has entered the apartment and accepted what he believes is wine from Edith. Edith hates grapes, and so the chances of Napoleon ever really having tasted wine is highly unlikely, instead she gives him water, but he is content to believe what he will.

Was asked by both of them why I was dressed the way I am.

Edith asked, "Yami, are you all right? Why are you dressed all in black?"

Napoleon demanded, "Explain your manner of dress, Soldier! What are you doing out of uniform?"

Both got the same response. "My dog died." Will note that at this point, Napoleon offered to dig a trench for me!!!!(!!!) Am beginning to really wonder about these 'trenches'.

After the wine break, Napoleon set out. I made a flimsy excuse and went out shortly after him. He trotted down the hall like he was riding a horse; miming as if he were holding the reigns and everything. Is a very good thing he never met Yami Bakura. That would have been bad and probably bloody.

Followed him several blocks away to an abandoned warehouse. Was strangely void of any hoodlums' graffiti; wonder if Napoleon is more capable of self defense than he looks. The floor inside was dirt; a jack hammer and several piles of broken concrete solved that mystery. He took out a shovel and dug a nice deep hole. Then he left.

Am now suspecting amusing, possibly illegal scenarios for my roomy and her nephew. Possibly this scheme goes deeper than I think; could it be that Judy and Ruth, maybe even more, know about whatever Napoleon is up to?

Will have to pry it out of them tonight during poker.

  
  


SEPTEMBER 14

Saturday. Laundry/grocery day is more like it. Who invented weekends? Why couldn't they just assign us each a maid to do the boring things I would rather not waste valuable time on? Really miss being Pharaoh.

Am at 'Sudsy Laundromat' waiting for clothes to wash. Would have read a magazine, except they are all have names like 'Gentle Hunters' or 'Expectant Mother'. And the ones I would consider look suspiciously sticky; will not fall victim to little demon child's "drop soda so Yami gets disgusted" ploy.

Had trouble with the first machine. Determined it was broken and had to find another one, but all were taken up, so dumped someone else's clothes in the broken machine. Now have to keep an eye out for the returning anonymous volunteer. Will record how my poker/information gambling went last night.

I was the dealer, since my hands are arthritis-free. "How long have you known Napoleon, Judy?"

Judy is deaf in her left ear. Couldn't remember if it was left or right, so spoke a bit loudly into the good ear. Judy is nice and acted normal. "Oh, twenty years or so."

Marked her down on mental list of people to interrogate. "What about you, Ruth?"

Big Grandma looked up. Noted she was wearing the black choker Yugi gave her; is proof that he has accepted her as a worthy opponent. Even Joey hasn't received one yet. Haha! "Since he was 6. He was a small fry then! Oh, I even remember the accident that made him start this Napoleon business."

This was interesting, and sidetracked me for a bit. Turns out he was attacked by a rabid donkey. Not sure that qualifies as an accident, but went back to the subject. Unfortunately, by the 'Who Knows Napoleon' question, they're *all* highly suspect.

I casually dealt out new hands. "Who are you all dating now a days?"

They all giggled. Found this suspicious. They are making me into a paranoid, senile Pharaoh. 

"I don't date anymore," Laura said. "I'm way too old for that! And my children, bless their souls, they just wouldn't understand if I went to the 'Home' and picked up a new man."

Edith laughed. "You don't need to go to the Home, Laura. The line at the prescription counter is where I found Bob and Tom and George."

"Oh, but you've got a much keener eye for the right ones than I do!" Laura said.

Keener Eye. Right Ones. Trenches. Hmmm.....

Gotta run. The Washing Machine guy has returned; have to distract him, stuff my clothes into a dryer, and return his clothes to their rightful place.

  
  
  
  


Further Author's Notes: Here's a trivia test: thoughts on Edith and her band? Anyone....recognize it? Also, does anyone want to see a pic of Yami in his Brown Corduroy Purple Polka Dot Bow Tie suit, or even (if you remember his first job) in his Lemonade Stand uniform?


	6. I Get A Cellphone, and Learn To Make Coo...

A/N: Winston taught me the poem Yami uses in this chapter. Well, really he used it to mock me when I was editing one of his stories. Bad news. While I was working on my Yami Lemonade Uniform pic, right near the finish...I took the zip disk to my dad's computer (instead of the one I usually use) and ended up deleting THE WHOLE THING! And as Henry said about the blinding yellow 'suit before he left, "Ugh! That's terrible, Silver!" (In between side-splitting laughter.) So, you'll get to see the brown cord-suit in a week or two. Lemonade will have to be re-drawn, since I lost the original sketch. 

"Arsenic And Old Lace" is correct! Woo! Those who guessed it will receive a gift later on; (in the fic, first I have to swim through the reviews and find out who guessed what). Reminds me, I need students for his "good" and "bad" classes, so I'm taking random Reviewers' names. You DO get a say in which class you go into after this chapter, because believe you me, there is always a counselor to get you out of a class you don't want; said "counselor" can be reached at cannibalmnm@yahoo.com I'm 90% sure I uploaded a different Chapter Six, or at least started one. I was pleased with it, and it's gone! It's not like I can put up signs asking 'Have You Seen This Chapter?' so I had to write a new one. Drat. Now I'm in irritable mood again.

  
  


Yami Yugi Moves Out!

  
  


SEPTEMBER 16:

Found a neat little store near my apartment. Is called '7-11' and offers huge refills of very caffeinated drinks for only 78 cents. Thus, have come to school very wired these past few days. (Ruth says it can rot your insides. Did not tell her am already dead and so beyond such worries.)

Students complained when I was talking on my cell phone to Yugi, as it is against the rules for them to use their phones. Threatened to fail them all and make them pay even more money to take World Histories again; it shut them up.

So that concluded my 'bad' class. My good class is finally complete; have decided to favor those students, as nary a complaint is heard (by me) from them.

Cell phone is ringing, must go now.

  
  


SEPTEMBER 17:

Today was half-half. Meaning, the first half was terrible. I was late to school because 7-11 has been found out by other teachers and there was a huge line; then my cell phone died, and Kellaya in 2nd period had to tell me how to recharge the 'battery', whatever that is. Always thought 'battery' was a means of interrogation, although nowadays the call it a crime (as in "assault and battery"). But then again these modern machines are painful enough without doing anything I guess it's fitting.

Then the Bad Class came. Renfield has given up trying to charm a good grade out of me and now works at proving me wrong. Like I want to spend my life arguing with a mortal. Puh-lease. Want to tear the blackboard off the wall and beat him to death with it, but after checking the rules, learned that beating him to death with *anything* (even fists) "...could result in the professor being 'terminated'." (Dislike that wording. Will bring it up at next meeting, get it changed to something that doesn't resemble the "Schwarzenneger Sci-Fi shows" Joey is so fond of.) Instead, chose to lower myself to exchanging snide comments.

It all started with me trying to teach hieroglyphs to them. Wrote my name ('Yami Yugi') on blackboard normally, then in Egyptian. 

A grainy, mouth-full-of-spit voice just had to say, "Yami Yugi? I thought I recognized you! Finally quit dueling, eh? Did Malik beat you?"

Only one voice is that annoying. Left claw marks in the blackboard, I was so surprised, and sure enough Weevil or whatever he calls himself was sitting in the back of MY class. Eye twitched; students finally stopped screaming from the chalkboard/nail-scraping thing. "No. Malik Ishtar did not win. If he had, you would be dead. Or a slave..." Suddenly regretted beating Malik.

"Ishtar?" said Renfield. "Wasn't that one of the Egyptian warrior gods?"

Felt my teeth grinding together. "Noo...Ishtar was a *goddess*, and *she* was the Eastern counterpart of a pair of warrior goddesses."

"I don't think so," Renfield sneered. "The book says Ishtar was a warrior god who tried to overthrow Amun-Re."

"The book was written by three-year-olds. There is not an Egyptologist in the world who would say that Ishtar was a male deity, because She wasn't." Struggled to keep my cool.

"You can't just disclaim a history book because it doesn't agree with what you say."

"Yeah!" Weevil spat. Almost literally; don't fancy the shower the girl in front of him was getting. Will have to move her away from him if her grade in my class is above a D.

Pulled out authentic piece of papyrus, with the tale of Ishtar on it. Had it read to me as a baby, and searched long and hard through the museum of London to find it. Good thing Kaiba-boy owed me a favor.

"Ishtar is this one" I pointed "and *she* is clearly a female."

Was peace for ten more minutes. Then Renfield and Weevil joined up to attack my hieroglyph writing abilities. Finally lost my 'cool' and turned Dr. Seuss-ish on them (it's a bad habit, I know. I get insulting and finally end up rhyming every now and then.) "The spelling is fine. The pictures are great, they're all in a line. What you need to remember now is: 'I' before 'E', except after 'C'; and when making an 'A', as in 'neighbor' and 'weigh'; and on the weekends, and holidays, and all throughout May; and you'll always be wrong, no matter what you say!"

Most students laughed. Weevil and Renfield shut their yaps and didn't bother me for rest of class period.

Day passed. Finally went home, irritated and twitchy. Made cookies with Edith. Was shocked beyond belief; I thought they only came in little boxes or bags, but it turns out you can make them right in your own kitchen. In face they taste better; not as stale. Mrs. Fields, eat your heart out.

Then I called Yugi's grandfather (since Yugi asked me to earlier) to see how he was doing. Turns out he misses Yugi and even me. Poor depressed Grandpa; he needs friends. Or a life. Or maybe just some strong medication...

Told Edith about Mr. Moto's woes and she offered to take him out for a night on the town. My roomy is good with sad men who are past their prime and happen to be well aware of it. Will always be in my prime, however. Feel special, on top of being full of warm cookie goodness.

  
  


SEPTEMBER 18:

At school again. Am picking out colors for apartment; Edith says once a year renters are allowed to paint our own homes, so we split it up between the two of us. 

I had just the color scheme for my room. Black**, with hieroglyphs cursing Bakura and Malik everywhere. Then student named Meredith Tasaki (in 2nd period, else I wouldn't have listened) said dark colors "shrink" the room. Have feelings of claustrophobia just in the class room, and have no desire to find myself living in a broom-closet sized bedroom so will instead go lighter. Will give helpful decorating student a few bonus points on the final when the semester ends.

Then class began sharing their "horrible room-mate" stories. Sat back and felt smug, as there were some close calls but I actually found a good roomy. Cell phone ringing; will ask Yugi and friends for advice.

SEPTEMBER 19:

Quest for Fashionable Apartment Colors continues. Edith had a big get-together with her friends; all of them stalked the local antique stores, so half the apartment will look like a "classic" house out of the 30's or 40's when we are done remodeling.

Without breaking into many museums, I cannot get the 'antiques' I want. They call them artifacts nowadays. Told Edith this, and she and Ruth haven't stopped laughing. Yugi and Co. proved less than useless. Too many different tastes, and even Yugi's aren't enough like mine to go into my home. So, must go about this alone.

  
  
  
  


**: In Ancient Egypt, black was the color of fertility. They think this is due to the black mud in the Nile. I just found it really funny (and thus had to point out) that Yami wears almost strictly black in the show. 

I guess that's because he's the 'dark' side, though it bugs me in a way because everyone associates Black with Evil, even though it's not. (Like taking the Death tarot card to be a bad omen, even though it's symbolic for change, so grr. Sorry. I did a reading for a girl and she got it; completely stopped listening to what I was saying. Had to have my friend smack her upside the head! *irritated sigh*) And go see "Daredevil" when it comes out. It has both Winston's and my favorite bands singing together. And it looks spiffy.


	7. The Joys of Cell Phones, Unlisted Number...

A/N: I'm using the United States' phone codes; meaning, 7 digit phone numbers arranged like this: 123-4567.  I've made the switch from WordPerfect to Microsoft Word.  Hm.  As my best friend Alison has basically turned me against anything Bill Gates-related, we'll see how this works out. 

PACHELBEL'S Q&A: (Noticed that many people have been asking questions.  If you ask a question in a review, it'll be answered here.)

**LENA:** "Where do you get your Ancient Egyptian facts?"

**ME:** From Winston, from a couple of my friends, and from a nifty book I found when I got kidnapped to the library.  Except I returned it last week, and can't remember the title. (Also, welcome the Yami's 4th period. *grin* 2nd period makes its debut next chapter, for all those who enrolled in Yami's 'good' class.)

**WATERGODDESS:** Did you know Set was the god of homosexuality?

**ME:** Nope! But it makes sense, now that I think about it.  Of course, that would make him bisexual, since he…well, yer.  Never mind.  LoL, something to tell Ali when she gets here!

**BORATH:** "Can Yami get a pet?"

**ME:** I know that was probably a rhetorical question, but the idea's too good to pass up.  'Demonic Angel' is about him raising a kitten, but I think I'll give him something much more interesting here…*snickers evilly*

Yami Yugi Moves Out!

Chapter 7 (already? Huh…wow.)

SEPTEMBER 20

Was bored during 4th hour today.  Studied my cell phone….a lot.  Discovered the buttons have a little alphabet on them.  Is mind boggling, but I think I've figured out what it does.  Have also realized biggest advantage of cell-phone ownership.  I can call stores about various decorations (have decided to sneak into Interior Design class between my own classes), or order a pizza, or prank call Yugi, all from the safety of my classroom.

As I was pondering this, a new idea dawned on me.  Yugi isn't the only other person with a telephone.  Heck, he may not even be the only other person with a cell phone! But, to be sure, have decided to test my theory on my arch nemesis.

            First attempt: S-E-T-O - K-A-I-B-A.  Got some strange she-man saying, "Your call cannot be completed as dialed.  Please-" At which point I hung up.

            "Mr. Yami?" Lena asked.  Was startled out of my brief panic.  "You look…uhm…confused."

            "I was trying to call someone," I said, glaring at my baffling phone.

            "We can see that, you fool!" Weevil said, spitting like that Sylvester Cat thing from one of Yugi's Saturday cartoons.  "But you dialed too many numbers! You can't dial nine at a time; only seven, unless it's a 1-800 number, or long distance!"

            Kaiba is (unfortunately) not long distance.  Oh, how I wish he was.  Then I wouldn't be constantly reminded that he exists…

Anyway, after making Weevil hallucinate (a pleasant image where I cram 15 markers down his throat) I tried again with mysterious 1-800 number first.  1-800-S-E-T-O – K-A-I-B-A.  Hmm…sounds like a number from one of those crappy late night infomercials.

Same person answered as before.  "You lied, and now you will suffer, Weevil! I'm going to-" 

"Uh, hey, wait," Lena said, before I could get to the Splattering-Weevil's-Blood-

On-The-Carpet part of my revenge.  "Do you…ahm, know the exact phone number?

"Of course I do.  Well…no…no, I don't."

            Lena shrugged.  "Why don't you call Information?"  Then she saw that I was (slightly) daunted by the task of spelling out 'information' on tiny number pad.  "Or you could just hit 'O' for Operator."

            Well, for as smart as this Operator sounded, all I got for my trouble was an argument and learning that Kaiba has a secret "unlisted number".  Which I must now figure out on my own.

            So.  If I had an ego the size of Tokyo, money to buy out Las Vegas, and weird trench coats, what would my phone number be?

1) I-M-A---D-I-C-K  …No, that's not like him.

2) S-T-U-D---M-A-N  Hmm…getting warmer.

3) R-I-C-H---M-A-N  …uhm….

4) D-U-M-B---M-A-N …Ok, insults are getting petty now.  Will keep it as it is funny.

5) B-I-G---B-R-O-1 …Getting much warmer now.

6) M-O-K-U-B-A-S  …Ah.  Boiling like a lobster in a tank.

Will call each of these.  Not that I expect him to be numbers 1 or 4, but can laugh at the dope who actually **_does_** have those numbers.

SEPTEMBER 20

            Yugi and Joey think it odd that I call Seto Kaiba.  And keep calling.  Earlier conversation with those two is as follows:

            "Hi, Yami!" (after Edith handed me the home phone.)

            "Hello, Yugi.  I can't talk now.  I'll call you back later."

            "Whaddaya mean? We just barely got a hold of you! Your cell phone's always busy!" Joey said.

            I rolled my eyes.  "I'm using it right now, so leave me alone.  Go to a kegger."  Was hoping Joey would tell me what a 'kegger' was, but he didn't.

            "Who are you talking to, Yami?" Yugi asked.  Apparently hoping I'd found a beautiful girlfriend (he's admitted to me he's a little worried that my room mate is a 60-ish widow.)  (Much as I love Edith…ew.  Yugi's mind is messed up.)

            "I'm busy prank calling Seto Kaiba."

            Joey busted up laughing.  Yugi stammered, "S-Seto Kaiba? How did you get his number? I don't think he'd put it in the phone book."

            "Just dial 'Big Bro 1'.  It's his cell phone number.  I haven't cracked his home number yet, but give it a day or two and my 2nd period will have it."

            "Yami! You can't have your class find out Kaiba's phone number if it's unlist-"

            At which point I hung up.  Who needs his support for my entertainment, anyway? My other friends (i.e. Ruth, Edith, Judy, etc.) find my conversations with Kaiba quite hilarious.  Would record one here, but must go continue search for decorations.  Paint smell from Edith's half of the apartment is making me sick.

LATER:

            Ok, have a spare moment at…3 in the morning, so will go into further detail of my calls to Kaiba.

            "What?" (Kaiba, obviously.  But logged away his style of answering the phone for future reference.)

            "Hello, Kaiba.  Just wanted to call and let you know that I've defeated your Blue Eyes White Dragons…twice." Then, I hung up.  

Called again ten minutes later, and the instant I heard him start to speak, I said (in my best Kaiba-voice) "What?!" and hung up again.

            Waited for about three hours before calling again.  "Shut up, Kaiba," the instant he started talking.  Hung up.  (Didn't want to hear his voice anymore, as it was making my eye twitch.)

            My last prank was at 2 in the morning.  Had to call several times to get him to answer.  At last, I got a gruff (and groggy), "Huhn?"

            Made my voice crack and squeak like Yugi's does when he's nervous, "Yeah, I'd like a LARge pizza, extra SAUce, plenTY of MUSHrooms."

            "Who the he-" Then I hung up.  Laughing.

            Now, time to go to sleep.  Have work in the morning, after all.  Well, technically it **_is_**morning, but must get up in 4 hours.

SEPTEMBER 21

            What is with these cheerleaders? Was swarmed by them just before my 2nd hour class.  Ordinarily not a bad thing, but they have no concept of games, or war, or history, or revenge.  Except for spreading nasty rumors, which is utterly pointless concerning me; if I notice what others say, I can always prove or disprove it.

            And they end all their sentences in a question…even if what they say is a statement.  "So, Professor Yami? You are, like, the greatest teacher here? And, my friend has your class, and he just loves it?"

            Yeah.  Right.  And I'm growing broccoli in my socks.  

With or without the students' opinions of me, there isn't a single one who 'loves' my class.  Likes it, maybe, but love is…a sickness.  It really is.  A Greek general told me it was and then proved it; it's a sickness of the heart or something.  (He wasn't all that fluent in Egyptian…or maybe I wasn't all that fluent in Greek, I don't remember.)

            Either way, will not (not NOT) tolerate sickness in my class.  Never know when it's contagious.  And overheard Yugi saying to Joey, "Love doesn't fade."  Must be wary.

LATER:

            Asked Edith if she believes in 'love'.  And if so, does it fade?

            Edith laughed.  Finished dishing out Triple Mocha Fudge ice cream (which really looks like frozen…gloop.  Wait.  Gloop is not a word; must expand vocabulary.)  "Yami, love is…not what most people would have you _think_ it is.  Love is generosity; plain and simple."

            Hm.  Not sure generosity is considered a weakness in this day and age; haven't had much practice with it.

SEPTEMBER 22

            Is Saturday.  Big Grandma's sister died.  I guess that would have made her Big Great-Aunt…  Oh well.  Too late to give her a nickname now.  Ruth/Big Grandma was very distraught; has been over here since she found out.

            Got her a glass of prune juice, talked to her until Edith came home, then went off to record strange turn of events in my journal/diary/log.

            "And…and….Bobby! Oh, what's Bobby going to do?" Ruth said.

            "I…don't know," I admitted.  Was thinking, 'Bobby must be the husband.  Ex-husband…no, widower.'

            "He can't live on his own! Who will take him?" Ok.  Maybe not a husband/widower.  Maybe a child.  Handed Ruth a tissue.  "I don't know what to do, Yami.  She was so young!"

            "You have no idea," I muttered.  Was feeling old, since I had just remembered that today is the 5,049th anniversary of my birth, and currently 0 people know it.  Except maybe Malik; he is rather obsessed with me, and that seems like something a stalker ought to know.

            Edith came home then.  Quickly filled her in, and she dished out more ice cream.  It seems that chocolate solves these women's problems better than even a time machine would have, but I passed on it.  Still haven't developed a taste for it.

            "Ruth, Yami is _very_ good with pets such as…ah, such as Bobby."

            "Oh, he is?" Ruth suddenly remembered I was sitting in the armchair next to her.  "You are?"

            "Uhm…" I probably am.  I'm good at taking care of things.  But decided not to confirm or deny anything until I knew more about this mysterious Bobby creature.

            "Of course he is! He's from Egypt, you know."

            "You *_are*_?" Ruth exclaimed.  "But you're so pale!"

            "I know.  I used to be much darker.  It's Yugi's fault I'm not anymore; he's not Egyptian."  They didn't understand significance of that, but I didn't have time to tell them the story.  Maybe when we play Duel Monsters sometime; they're more willing to believe extravagant stories like mine when dueling.

            "Of course he is! Say something in Egyptian, Yami."

            "...Now isn't the time," I answered.

            "Will you take him? Take Bobby?" Ruth looked at me.  Am unaffected by sad, teary eyes, though.

            "I don't think that would-" was about to tell her how pets and I don't mix.  Remembering the trouble I had with cats back in Egypt…ick…litter boxes.  And dogs, well, let's not go there.

            "I challenge you, Yami Yugi! Keep Bobby alive!" Crap.  This woman really knows how to get at me.  

Found myself automatically responding, "I accept your challenge, Big Grandma, and in fact I will show you that I am more capable of caring for Bobby than your sister was!"

            So now I'm searching for my shoes so I can go pick up 'Bobby'.  Who is probably a chinchilla or ferret or something.  Ugh.  Hope it's not a dog or rattle snake.

_Author's Notes: Now, ordinarily, I don't beg for reviews.  **(Yes, yes, that's a cue for Winston to snicker and say, sarcastically, "yeah, sure").  **BUT, my disc went bad, and my dad went through hell and high water to get this 5-page update back.  (Have I ever mentioned I'm not very computer-literate? Internet is a cinch, but otherwise I'm screwed.  I'm just lucky my daddy loves me, LoL.)  _

_So, **PLEASE REVIEW!!!** Even if it's "That was the worst update ever.  Take your meds before you write anything else, PLEASE, Silver."  If you leave nothing, I might just…do something drastic…like smash my disc with a hammer and never update again.  Ever._


	8. Bobbie Come Home

A/N: YAY! This story's reviews broke an 100! Here's an update! Here we have Bobby and the classes (since I finally worked out who would go where). Thanks to those who applied *grin*.

Here's the role:

Yami's 'good' Class: (2nd)

-Meredith T. Tasaki

-Llyxius

-Dreaming Dragon

-Jasmine (Water Goddess)

-Aliana (Starr)

  
  


Yami's 'bad' Class: (4th)

-*Weevil

-*Renfield

-Tilena

-Lena

-Borath

-ObiWan Girl

  
  


Yami Yugi Moves Out!

Chapter Eight

  
  


SEPTEMBER 22: (after getting shoes on)

Big Grandma gave me keys and direction to her sister's house. Then had to get on bus for the first time since my search for an apartment. Hmm. Hope my dealings with Bobby go better than Apartment Hunting did. Also hope that Bobby is fully house trained.

Great, now I'm nervous again. Not to mention, bus driver seems to be slightly drunk. Will get off soon...I hope.

  
  


LATER: (at home again)

Can't begin to describe this weird, crappy turn of events. Will try. Here goes:

Got off the bus about a block from Bobby's home and walked the rest of the way, to ensure safety from the soused bus man. Found a little house with a herd of plastic pink flamingoes on the lawn and wind chimes hanging from the drain pipes, the shutters, the trees, the bushes, and even a few of the flamingoes. Felt the corner of my lip curling in disgust.

Anyway, got inside without any trouble, but was bracing myself for stench of neglected house pet. To my shock, there wasn't decaying animal-stench, or even the reek of a messy litter box. It smelled like mothballs and prune juice and old flowery perfume.

After searching postage-stamp sized backyard and calling "Bobby!" about a thousand times, I decided this was not a dog that was placed in my care. After my sigh of relief, I looked up and felt rather stupid.

"Bobby's Room" was spelled out in quilted letters on the door right in front of me. Like this was a *baby's* room. 

Question: Why give your pet its own room when your rent is doubled for every bedroom in the apartment?!

Slowly opened the door, watching the floor for a cat trying to run past. Nothing but silence. Was kind of eery.

Found a big 20-foot long glass cage sitting against the opposite wall, but couldn't see anything in it. Had to step closer, even though my heart was pounding in my ears. Slowly crouched in front of the cage and searched for Bobby.

Cage was decorated in desert scheme, which I found promising. I know lots of desert animals- rabbits, snakes, jackals...

On a rock on the other side of the cage was a black scorpion the size of my hand, fingers included. And if I thought for an instant that this thing had killed the real Bobby, and maybe Ruth's sister, I saw a portrait of the old lady holding the scorpion (the *scorpion*) and smiling like an idiot.

That did it.

Immediately, I pulled out my cell phone and called Yugi.

"Hello?"

"Yugi."

"Yami? Why are you whispering?"

"There's a..." for some reason, the word just didn't want to be said. "Scorpion."

"A scorpion?" Heard me whimper. "Don't worry, Yami, if you give him your money, he'll leave you alone."

Well, that was surprising. But Yugi knows all about modern life, and modern scorpions, so I took out my wallet and dropped it in the cage. "Ok. Now what?"

"He hasn't left? Where are you? Are you sure it's a Scorpion and not a Tiger?"

"I'm at Ruth's sister's house. Of course it's a scorpion! I lived in the desert, I know what a scorpion looks like!"

"...You mean it's a *real* scorpion?!" Yugi's voice squeaked. Is funny when he does that. Would have laughed, if Bobby the Monster Scorpion wasn't looking at me from atop my wallet.

"Yes! His name is Bobby!"

"I thought you meant the *gang* Scorpion!"

"What should I do?"

"Don't panic. Call animal control, and make sure you don't let it sting you!"

Like I *would*?! He made it sound like I *wanted* to get killed. "No! Wait, Yugi. I can't let Ruth win." Turned a glare on the scorpion. "All right, Bobby. You may have had the upper hand before, but-"

"Yami, I don't think-"

"-Not anymore! You're coming home with *me* and that's the end of it!" With that, I hauled the 20-foot cage over my shoulder and walked out the door.

The phone was still very close to my ear. "Listen to yourself! No, listen to me!" Really wished Yugi would stop yelling in my ear. Gave me a vicious headache.

  
  


At home:

Calmed down when I saw Edith parked outside in a huge pink Cadillac that can fit 8 dead bodies in the trunk (though in our case it just held all of Bobby's things). She gave me a brownie and told me that she'd sort everything out when we got home. Made me feel better, if a little childish...even though I'm older, and she'd better not forget it.

Ruth brought over two of her grandchildren, who are now interested in Duel Monsters, except they can't defeat their grandmother at the game and so came to me for advice. Like I know how to do that. I only know how to win; still don't know how my abilities rubbed off on Yugi, but I can tell you it wasn't because I gave him lessons.

Locked Bobby in a closet before Ruth and co. came over, by the way. Can hear his scuttlings and hissings, and it's really starting to freak me out. Stupid 10-inch scorpion.

  
  


SEPTEMBER 23: (at school, in 2nd period)

Was too freaked out by appearance of vicious, man-killing scorpion to want to give class a test. Even though I said I would, and technically I'm not supposed to go back on my word. Want to know how good the people are in my class?

After I just sat there, even though class had started and no papers had been handed out (I think I might have given the impression of hiding behind the stack of test books on my desk) Jasmine raised her hand.

I, listlessly, eyes sort of darting around looking for little black shape with a pointed tail, called on her.

"Mr. Yami, weren't we going to have a test today?"

Mind wandered for a bit, back to the death trap that is my house. "...Let me ask you all something." Stood up and drew a huge picture of a scorpion on the whiteboard. "What is this?"

Students looked at each other. Studied them, folded arms over my chest. Finally, Aliana raised her hand. "It's a scorpion, isn't it?"

Turned to look hatefully at the drawing. "No! It's a cold-blooded killer! It waits in darkness for you unsuspecting mortals to stick your feet in its path! The instant it finds weakness, you are *dead*!" Paused for breath. "But thank you for answering, Aliana. You can expect twelve extra credit points on the next test."

Students looked back and forth at each other. Meredith spoke. "Mr. Yami, does this have anything to do with Prince Amonhotep's death after a scorpion found its way into the palace?"

I laughed. "It didn't find its way, I put it there! And...no. You see," I sat down on my desk, drawing my knees up to my chest so as to avoid Bobbie, if he'd followed me. "My friend's sister kicked the bucket and I got stuck with her pet."

"An Emperor scorpion?" Llyxius asked.

"Yes, exactly! Ten extra credit points on the next test, Llyxius. Do you know what they eat, if I can't get him enough human flesh?"

She shook her head. Jasmine raised her hand, so I called on her. "They eat crickets, Mr. Yami. My sister used to have one."

"Your *sister*? Ladies, these are vicious, life-sucking, grave-dwelling, stinger-armed scorpions! They're not toothless puppies for you to coo over!" Took a deep, calming breath. It didn't work. "But I'm glad they eat crickets. You'll have no more homework for the rest of the term. In fact, class dismissed, I have to go find some crickets. If I keep it full, it won't come after me!"

Snatched up my jacket and ran out the door. I got on the next bus, where I wrote everything out in my journal. For history. The history of terrifying pets. 

Oh great galloping Anubis, what if Bobbie's already gone after Edith?

  
  
  
  


FURTHER A/N: Here's the picture I promised a few chapters back. Not the finest work I've ever done, but it's the first time I've ever used a computer to color, so I'm not thoroughly disappointed. 

(then click on the third album. Should say "Silver's Fanart" or somesuch.)


	9. I Retrieve My Wallet I Get New Students ...

A/N: Yup, well, the link didn't work, so just e-mail me if you want to see the Yami in a Suit picture.

Responses (to reviews which have questions):

Meredith T. Tasaki: Congrats on the arse-kicking of the college tests, Meredith! ^^ If you'd been in the bad class I'd have moved you! Hehe, celebration must ensue in Yami's (good) class on account of this.

BLUE SEPTEMBER: *points* I know you! We're on a yaoi list together! *cackles* (Well, there aren't that many other FF.N authors on that list, I'm entitled to a "Yay!".) And the wallet...good point...I forgot about it until you reviewed. Poor Yami.

ETHELFLAED: Here you go! Yami's feeding Bobbie and trying to get his wallet! ^^

DREAMING DRAGON: Thank you! Compliments like that make my day. And if you ever want to see me write a humorous yaoi fic, well, there's actually one in the making.

BORATH: You do realize you're the driving force behind most of my fics, don't you? And as for the request of pyro-mania in the class room: wish granted.

LLYXIUS: The other driving force! My fics just don't seem as "finished" until I get input from you! I cracked up at the image of Yami riding a camel! That's going to be fanart. Heck, that's going to be a chapter.

ASUKA02REDEVA: Yay! Have a favor to ask: would you please e-mail me, pretty please? Tis about your fanfics, incidentally!

BOO/JAH: Welcome to the bad class! 

  
  


Yami Yugi Moves Out! 

Chapter Nine! 

  
  


SEPTEMBER 23: (at home)

Have bought a big sack of crickets. I hate crickets, I should mention, so this will be a sort of revenge. Trouble is, I don't want to open the closet door. Am currently sitting on the sofa staring at the closet, imagining Bobbie on the other side, and using diary as excuse not to open the door.

Edith came in a few minutes ago but I warned her away so she's safely perched in the kitchen. "Yami, if I wouldn't feel so guilty, I'd call the exterminator!" She calls, nervously laughing.

Can just picture Weevil Underwood laughing and spraying spit all over my classroom if this humiliation ever gets out. "You're afraid of a little bug? I *knew* it!"

...After that disturbing image I actually charged the closet door. From what Edith told me, I was screaming something in a foreign language (will have to teach her Egyptian at some point so we can sit around at the coffee house and make fun of modern fashions). Apparently I have a battle cry, I just don't know what it is.

Anyway, I accidentally blasted the doorknob off with Shadow Magic. But more to the point I saw my wallet, lying underneath that filthy scorpion; my foe and my missing moneybag illuminated in blinding light. Ra, I didn't realize I was so poetic. Must be due to the cheating-of-death. For the eighth time.

Right, so I stared at the scorpion. Bobbie stared back, twitching his tail and claws. I hesitated, counting off the seconds in which my heart would be beating if I were still alive. Then...

I tore off the lid of Bobbie's cage, ripped open the bag of crickets (a bit hastily; two of them ended up hopping down my shirt) and dumped as many of the wriggling locusts into the cage as possible.

Bobbie sprang off my wallet and started his brutal carnage. Er, he ate, I mean, and while impressively frightening, it was *messy*. I've seen barbarian delegates eat better. Will have to work on that if my scorpion is to be displayed....

While the focus was off of *my* life, I snatched up my wallet, slammed the lid down, and scrambled out of the closet.

Edith had recovered from the shock of seeing me blow up a part of our closet door and was laughing hysterically. Was a bit frightened she'd start cheering for me like Tea does for Yugi, but no, she just continued to laugh as she poured herself some fresh prune juice.

  
  


SEPTEMBER 25: (at work)

Fourteen minutes until my class starts. You know, the 'bad' class. No, wait, take off the quotations. They're all nuts.

Every one of them is late, every day. So I've set up a surprise for them. (I hope to one day be able to take Bobbie with me. Have him sitting on my shoulder, hissing and ready to attack at a moment's notice). But for today I've got "BIG TEST! HOPE YOU READ YOUR HISTORY BOOKS, KIDDIES!" on the blackboard. Naturally, if they'd paid attention in class they'd realize I never assign reading.

The first to enter is Renfield. He looks at the board and pales, then hastily takes a seat and starts rummaging through his bag. Hah.

Next up: Tilena. She just glances at the board and sits down. Then in waltzes Weevil, snickering to himself. I (valiantly) resist the temptation to trip him. Before I can think of something more subtle, a whole flock of them rush in (shortly after the bell rings; just as if they weren't paying me to teach them. Yeah, I heard Yugi and Grandpa arguing about 'tuition' before I moved out.)

We have: Borath, who's flicking a lighter. Flame goes on, flame goes out. Hence why I move my flammable sculptures under my desk before Fourth Period starts. Just behind her is Lena, talking easily with another girl...who, as far as I can remember (and I've searched through the homework papers) has only called herself 'ObiWan Girl'. I haven't got the slightest clue what an 'ObiWan' is....

So that's my class, after the weaklings from the start of the term dropped out. The fact that these people were willing to stick it out does earn them (some) respect. A little. Maybe. Well, not Weevil. He's here to spite me.

Hmm...Rob the Janitor is standing in my doorway. Have convinced him of my true, royal self, so he bows whenever he sees me. Is nice. He's brought guests with him, two girls, but they're not bowing, which can mean only one thing: they're students.

When I motion for Rob to rise, he says, "This is Hope and...ah, Jah. They're your new students."

So I've put them over by the window. In an attempt to get a handle on my fourth period, I'd moved them all as far from natural light as possible. They're oblivious to torture, however, and remain stubbornly insolent. Will have to taint their food supply somehow.

Once everyone's seated, I close my eyes, wait for that blessed silence of doom when the whole class realizes I've got an unscheduled test for them which they couldn't possibly have studied for.

Ah, there it is. I expect questions, but unlike in my Second Period, no hands go up. They just start talking. Despite threats of Ancient Egyptian policy, wherein I would have them tortured for their disregard of the rules. They didn't believe me...and when I actually read the laws regarding what a teacher can and can't do to their students, I saw why. Apparently murder/torture is illegal even for those of influence nowadays.

The reaction I got instead were like this:

"Not *another* test!"

"I can't read that writing...is it in hieroglyph thingies again?"

"Mr. Y, I never *got* a book."

"What are you talking about? He made us get rid of our books."

"What is this? You didn't say there was going to be a test!"

"I think my lighter's running out of fuel.... Dammit...."

And Renfield, hyperventilating, "Is this a joke? Egyptians celebrated April Fools? In September? Right? Huh? This isn't real?"

"I *knew* I should've skipped this class today...."

Then me. Standing up on my desk to get their attention. Being short does have some downfalls, even for me. "SILENCE!"

When they finally get quiet, I sit down right on my desk and smile. "Just kidding. No test. You all remember the poll I took last week, on how many of you have pets? After tallying the results, I decided to delete this term's final. Instead, we're going to mummify cats!"

  
  


SEPTEMBER 26: (at home, finally.)

Ruth's grandkids wanted to go to the zoo. Edith loves the zoo, so after packing a big red picnic box she convinced me to come. Maybe I can find a new leopard; I rather miss the one I used to have.

  
  


LATER:

We're eating lunch and enjoying the shade right now.

Edith talked me out of taking home a leopard kitten, since she said we wouldn't have enough money to feed it. When I pointed out that the landlord is a nuisance and the leopard could just eat *him* when it was all grown up, she reminded me about the murder issue. So after tramping along, I stumbled across something that could just eat the lawn out front.

They keep camels here!! I'm going to add a few more exclamation points because I was so excited (!!!!!!!!!!)

The trouble is, the camels are locked in a concrete cage, and the only way in is through a padlocked metal door. But Yugi has delinquent friends so if I remind them how many times I saved their lives, this should be no problem.

While I was inspecting the security measures around the poor, miserable-looking beasts, I was approached by a few guys in suits. One of them seemed vaguely familiar, and after a while I realized he worked for Pegasus at Duelist Kingdom.

I was all set to challenge him and send his soul to the gorrilla pen when his companion interrupted me with, "Yugioh? We're here to offer you a job. A short-term job, anyway. We want you to do a televised summer camp for up-and-coming duelists. We'd love to see a few of your trademark moves again."

...What's frightening is...I accepted.

  
  


Author's Notes: Yeah, I know, you probably don't want to read *more* notes from me. But I start school in August, and I'm takin' a Archeology class, so...more updates then when I'll likely have more inspiration! ^^


	10. Paper On My Windshield

A/N: Thought of this chapter at school. While searching for a place to park...and finding none...and worrying over parking ticket *glares at meter-maid*. So yes. Is venty-chapter. Small trickles of stories are coming to you, faithful readers, whilst I take my "away time" which isn't really away time... Ooh, and I was re-inspired to write the rest of this chapter by Llyxius' story, "One Week". *huggles Llyxius* I looooove that story! ^^

  
  


Yami Yugi Moves Out! Chapter Ten

SEPTEMBER 27:

Have had it. There is no more room for me on buses; or rather, no more room for buses in my life. Just who came up with them anyway? Is a stupid idea. Stick a bunch of people with odd, foreign diseases onto one sticky, smelly dangerous 10-ton hunk of metal and send it careening on four very-bald tires?

No. Not for me. Already died once, thanks.

Maybe I should explain.

There was a storm last night, lots of rain and flashing lights, a bit like Joey's birthday party last year when Tristan accidentally busted the waterpipes in Joey's basement.... Anyway, apparently this storm made my alarm clock die. And Edith's, too. Woke up to her screaming, "Wake up, Yami! WAKE UP! THERE'S A BLACK-OUT! YOU'LL BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!"

So jumped up, stripped down, pulled clothes on, and took off. Had to chase the bus. Got on, realized I wasn't wearing shoes when I stepped in puddle of nearly-dried Pepsi. The day just got worse and worse....

Vented to Good Class. And then was struck with idea. Yugi doesn't take the bus anymore; he doesn't walk, either. He has a 'Driver License' and a car that Grandpa found for him at high school graduation.

So am going to Yugi's house after he's gone to Joey's to play poker (which he always does on Tuesdays and Thursdays); will retrieve keys, car, and license.

  
  


SEPTEMBER 28:

Plan was a success. Had to drug Tristan, who was at Yugi's house-alone-for Ra-knows-what-reason. Didn't really want to ask; Tristan was running around in only his underwear...highly suspicious.

Anyway, after drugging Tristan with sleeping pills, which I'd cleverly disguised in a glass of orange juice, I searched Yugi's room for his wallet. Since my aibou isn't stupid enough to actually bring money to a poker game.

Was right; he left his wallet, and Joey lives close enough that he just walked, so the keys and car were at my disposal. Took his license and keys, then had trouble finding the right car. Attempted to unlock several of the neighbors' vehicles before finding Yugi's ugly green machine.

Rust has eaten the passenger-side floor. Is frightening, but a convenience I suppose. Can take Malik for a ride and stuff him through the hole, then run over him. Or maybe Seto Kaiba...supposing he'd allow himself to be in a "rust bucket" as Yugi's named this car.

At school, I will now have my own parking space. Because I'm a History Professor. And you're not.

Is nice to feel smug again.

  
  


SEPTEMBER 29:

Am stopped at a red light. Sitting behind garbage truck, with my windows rolled down to keep self from getting heat cramps. Pants are sticking to the seat. Am beginning to get fidgety.

Ah, green light.

(At school now, in Yugi's car)

Parking space has been taken. Parking lot is full. No, correction, all *twenty four* lots are full. Have been driving around for forty minutes, and class is about to start. I won't be able to dock points from tardy students. I won't be able to eat my muffin and smirk at breakfast-deprived students. I won't even be able to give out pop quiz.

Am just going to sit here in the car hoping every person walking around is going to leave this accursed school.

...Found and then lost another spot. Had been sitting there, and some speed demon in much-faster, much-sleeker silver car sped in and took the spot. Must be more aggressive.

...Have found an unlocked car. Set it to "N", which Tristan told me is "neutral" and releases the brakes, and then pushed the car back. Set it to "P" for "Park", and then set Yugi's car in its place. Is a very nice place. Under a willow tree, near a small creek that I never knew was on campus. Is temptation for sweaty students; go to class...no, don't go to class, go swimming....

...Will take a break to go swimming. Class later.

  
  


Later:

Had thought to go out for lunch, but am hesitant. What if I lose my spot? ...Unless I find another unlocked car, that is.

Yes. Will go out to eat.

  
  


After eating at Dee's

Success! No need to break into anyone else's car, either. Found empty space near Student Building. Strange that no one has taken it yet....

  
  


After School:

...Found funny piece of paper on windshield, trapped under wiper blade. Will ask Yugi about it later. He's been calling my cell phone an awful lot today. Should learn how to check voice mail; will ask Edith when I get home.

  
  


Further A/N: I know, I know, there's more words from Pachelbel than actual story. It's a small update...but be happy...and review...with ideas ~.^


	11. Shopping Marts and Cutlery

A/N: Hi, all! This chapter is...well, one I wasn't planning on writing for another month or so. But then I got a request *grin*.

  


FairysGift: i love this fic! 

Me: Thank you! ^^ It's fun to write; difficult coming up with ideas is all. I'm glad that you like it!  
  


I have a suggestion for you.

Me: At this point I was bouncing. Suggestions are always welcomed; craved, even.  
  


I unfortunately work at Tesco in Glasgow

Me: *nod* A really good friend of mine worked at a grocery store...very, very difficult place to work, I hear. Kudos for sticking it out.

  


and was wondering if you could do a chapter about the trouble Yami would have buying food on his own. 

Me: *suddenly evil gleam enters the author's eyes* *happy grin*

  


You don't have to do it if you don't want to but i think it would be funny to learn how Yami would handle seafood and all the different kinds of wines from all the different countries. Please update soon.

Me: I hadn't even thought of Yami grocery shopping. Which is odd, really; I have him driving now, and most people learn grocery shopping before struggling with cars. Hopefully I've done the idea justice. Anyway, this update wouldn't have been done without your request, so this chapter shall be known as FairysGift's chapter ^^ (Well, part of it was an idea my old chemistry teacher gave me, but I sincerely doubt he'll ever read this fic...)

  


WARNING: This chapter may cause you to disown hamburgers. Not daunted? Read on, and enjoy!

  


Yami Yugi Moves Out!

Chapter Eleven

  
  


October 1:

Was sitting around this morning. It's Sunday; no work, no volunteer stuff, no promotional Duel Monsters camp (yet). And then Edith comes out of her room. (It was pre-dawn at the time. This is the woman who doesn't loke getting up before noon. Even had someone come work at her shop for two hours every morning while she slept in. That didn't last long, but you see what I mean.)

So I looked up at her, in her huge pink bathrobe and gray bunny slippers (think they were white once, like Yugi's white towels used to be) and, being a kind and concerned roommate/friend, asked what was wrong.

Big mistake. She was like a piranha, and my voice was like a deer sticking its leg in her pond. Except, she did the attack in a sweet-old-lady sort of way.

She moved two steps closer to me, but our apartment's not that big, so it was kind of intimidating. Startling at least.

"Yami," she said, and sounded like she was going to say more, but then she didn't.

"Yes?" I was sort of uneasy, so my voice was in what could be called "Magnanimous Leader" mode. Defense mechanism.

She took a deep breath, drummed her fingers on the sofa. "Did you eat dinner last night?"

Had I? Gave it some thought. "Hmm...I ate those bread crusts. In the Ziploc bag; you know, the ones Ruth left with us for turkey stuffing?" I kind of hoped she'd get to the point before the commercials ended. I was half-convinced to buy this cutlery set-one that is supposedly able to cut through junkyard cars. They were even going to have a demonstration.

Edith gave me her sweetest Could-Be-Made-Of-Mollasses smile. "Well, surely you've noticed that we're running out of food. Why, unless you can think of a way to make us meals out of the baking soda in the fridge and the creamed radishes in the cupboard, we're not going to be eating anything at all!"

From what she'd said, I sort of thought she was giving me a challenge, and I began thinking up ways to cook old baking soda and radish soup.

Then she went on, "I'm afraid Beth's daughter's niece has chicken pox, so I won't have time to shop while I'm taking care of them. Yami, I need you to go shopping."

Usually, Edith handles the stores, but Yugi took me with him whenever he had to go, so I had an idea of what to do. Besides, I needed to see if they carried anything I could use for my Fourth Period to mummify their cats. So I nodded.

Edith beamed and shoved a list at me. "Oh, wonderful! These are some of the things I need, but of course you should get the things you need while you're there, and if you get anything you think we can share, go right ahead. Just...be careful. I'll pay you back, but I'm on a budget."

I nodded again, knowingly. In Egypt, I wasn't just some gorgeous idol; I was *also* very involved with keeping tabs on the national budget.

Her list was simple enough: Skim milk (ugh; I'm a 2% man myself), Camomile shampoo, lavender conditioner, wheat bread, and three cans of tomato soup. Had plenty to buy for myself still, but figured if Edith was up so early she was proably really hungry and wanted food as soon as possible.

Felt guilty, then. Should probably have offered her a few of the bread scraps last night, but I am her elder and therefore entitled.

Forget informercials. I had to go shopping.

So an hour later I'd made my way to the Mega Mart. Much, much bigger store than the one Yugi goes to. Like...100 times bigger, or it looked that way once I was inside. Except the employees. Those seemed a few times smaller than Yugi's Store's.

Could just have been the looming ceilings, the towers of toilet paper, the...unreachable top shelves. Made everyone seem almost my size, which you'd think would be nice but is actually kind of frightening.

Anyway. Grabbed a double-sized shopping cart and headed down the nearest aisle, which turned out to be full of makeup. Very long. Very pink, also, but it led into the shampoo/conditioners so I kept going.

Nearly fell over when I finally found a Chamomile Shampoo bottle and checked the price. "Bottle" is an understatement, actually. "Tub" or "Keg" or "Barrell" more accurate.

Kept moving, eyeing the price tags and watching the numbers climb and fall. $20...$3. Not that the cheap ones were what I needed, but they were looking more tempting every second.

Took the cheapest one for myself, and then the cheapest Chamomile and Lavendar tubs for Edith.

Went through this with every item on the list, by the way. Plus I kept getting distracted by things I hadn't thought of or even wanted while I was at home. Like olives, and pickles. And water chestnuts and squiggly straws. (How do those last two things go together, anyway? They were in the same aisle. Like I'll be drinking my water chestnuts. Right. Stupid way to advertise.) (Ended up getting them both anyway. Can't figure out why, now.)

Mega-Cart was almost full by the time I got the last thing on Edith's list (milk), and I hadn't even reached the cereal aisle yet.

Not that there *was* just a cereal aisle. Instead they have cereal *aisles*, plural. Two and a half of them. I hadn't even known that many cereal kinds existed-there's Cheerios and oatmeal, right?

Wrong.

I can't even name all of them, because some of the boxes were in foreign languages. I bought one of the foreign boxes out of curiosity.

Couldn't find my Ceerios, though. Found a box called "Cheery-Qs" though. That's when I got fed up with these little changes in price and name and color, and began sampling the products. There's a very subtle difference between Cheerios and Cheery-Qs; Cheerios have a very faint oat flavor. Cheery-Qs could knock you over with it.

Went into the bathroom to test the shampoos then. Had to use the electric hand drier over and over to d ry my hair as I hadn't thought to bring a towel. Found no difference between my shampoo (which was priced at 3 dollars) and Edith's ($8).

That's when I felt cheated. Also when I got an idea.

I went back out under the humming fluorescent lights, amid rampaging kids, and hunted out the last things I needed. Plus maybe one or two more things; but those Oreos were just sitting there, like I should have put them on my list to begin with. Like I was an idiot for thinking I'd get out of the store without them. Same thing happened again when I saw some hamburger buns on sale, but worse, because then I had to find hamburger meat, which was next to impossible.

Some sort of conspiracy; make us want to buy something when it's on sale, then raise the price on anything else you need, which makes you want to buy more of the sale item to make up for it, even though the sale item is next to useless without the Expensive Item. Or maybe that's just me.

And what's the difference between the hamburger meat packs anyway? Some is more expensive, some is less, like the shampoo. Is one cow better than the other? You can't even see what part of the animal it used to be. Am I supposed to take a cheap price to mean I'm buying what used to be a cow's tail?

Why can't they just say on the package "this was a rump: or "this was a left nostril, before we ground it up to look like the better meat." ...Well, actually, think I answered my own question there. ...And now that I recheck the package I bought, they might write Pre-Grinding meat info, butyou'd have to get a microscope to read anything on the pack besides the price.

Hamburger is stupidly difficult. Need to break Yugi of his addiction to them.

...What was I saying? Oh, the Sales Conspiracy.

I got some bananas, too, because they were half off. So was the beer, I found, and tried to get some to reming me of Egypt**, but even Yugi's drivers license wasn't good enough for them.

Oh, well, it doesn't taste the same anyway. Nearly spat it out all over myself when I finally sampled it, while I was putting it back. I was going to continue tasting the different kinds, hoping I'd find one sort of Egyptian, but decided not to. Another time, for sure. When I have Edith with me. They won't refuse a wrinkled woman like her.

Why they refused me is a mystery.

Anyway, the beer was the first thing they rang up, and so I didn't get to use my Plan right off, as I had to put the drinks back. Had to get back in line after that, then wait for a half hour for everyone ahead of me to pay and keep the line moving. And all that was done with my Game Face on.

Good thing I've put so much work into perfecting it. I've been told my first Game Face was actually psychotic looking. Now it's more of a Poker Face with Don't-Cheat-Me menace, and occasionally a Confident Smirk when I'm about to turn things around.

The clerk was nervous when he looked up at me. Took it as a good sign, and picked one of my items off the moving rubber belt on the counter.

I held up my 2% milk and said, "This jug is three dollars. That is outrageous. I won't go above a dollar fifty"

The clerk blinked, looked at the milk, opened and shut his mouth a few times, and blinked again. So I added a glare. He spoke, "I don't think I can do that..." I upped the glare a bit. "But let me call my manager!"

Gave him a nod and sat back to wait. When The Manager came, I stated my offer again, this time pointing out floaters in the milk.

There weren't any, actually, but when I was Pharaoh I could have run around naked and convinced people I was wearing a neon orange evening gown. It's just a matter of sounding so confident they'll quake in their boots.

The Manager studied the milk a bit too closely, so I pointed more viciously to throw her off guard. "See? There!"

"Oh...Oh! Ah, yes." She nodded to the clerk. "Give him the milk for half off."

I nodded, and grabbed up Edith's milk. "Now, this might as well be water. It's certainly not worth two dollars. I'll give you fifty cents, and that's being generous."

She'd been turning to go, and nearly fell over. "What?"

I shook the milk. "Fifty. Cents. This isn't milk, it's snow runoff!"

"Sir, it's skim milk!"

I shook my head and glared again. "You disgrace the name of milk if you think that's what this is! Fifty cents, that's my final offer!"

She took a deep breath, and nodded again to the clerk. Her face was red, but she waited to see if I had anything else to add.

I did.

This time I showed her the shampoos. "This one is eight dollars, and it works exactly like this three dollar shampoo. I'll give you six bucks for both."

Her eyes narrowed. Her hands kept making fists. Finally she took the bottles from me, opened and smelled them both, and handed them back. "They're good shampoos. I'll let them both go for ten dollars."

I laughed once. "Ten dollars? I'll give you eight-fifty."

"*Nine* fifty."

"Eight sixty."

"Nine twenty-five."

"Eight eighty."

"Nine dollars!"

I paused. "Deal."

Did this with every item, and got home way later than expected. Edith called me a "Bargain Hunter". Am going to show her my secret next time we go shopping.

Still haven't found anything to mummify the cats with, though. Actually, I haven't found any cats to mummify either.

  
  


October 2:

I'm new to the idea of overnight delivery. I ordered the cutlery set, and it got here this afternoon. I found it after I got home from work.

I had the urge to use the knives to cut through the counters, just like they did on TV, but I have a special plan for these. Since Edith's spending the night at Beth's daughter's niece's house (chicken pox is deadly for some, and very contagious. Probably not to spirits, but I don't want to take chances and was very supportive when she said she'd rather be there to help through the night), I have all night to carry it out.

Ah, the lumber's here with the construction crew. Will write more later tonight.

  
  


3 o'clock in the morning...technically October 3

The crew worked all afternoon getting the barn set up. Had them set it up around back where Edith says they tried to put a swimming pool in before funding got cut. Now it's just a big hole in the ground with some weeds and grass growing in it. Big enough to hide a small one-stall stable, though.

I went to the zoo with my cutlery set and a rope. Climbing onto the fence was easy; lassoing a camel wasn't too hard, either, since they were all asleep. I chose the largest, sleekest of them. That's not saying much, though, These camels are soft, have spent their lives in a nice temperate zone, away from the desert and hard riding and tough training. Even the best looking of them was fat and its fur was matted.

Is matted, actually. Haven't had a chance to groom it yet. Will assign that task as punishment to one of the students, I think.

So I hopped back down off the fence. Walked up to the lock. Took out a nice, small paring knife. It made it all the way through the first padlock before the blade snapped. Good thing I've got that lifetime warranty. Hope there's nothing in it that says I can't use my knives to break into something.

Paring knife was then useless. I carefully wrapped it up and put it back in my bag. Then I took out...a steak knife. These were a bit bulkier, and harder to slide up against the metal. Plus it made a sharper grating noise that made my teeth grind together. Not pleasant.

When the second padlock was off, I tried to unwind the chains from the fence. No such luck. Not that I tried that hard; I still had six other kinds of knife to try out. I used them, eagerly. There wasn't much left of the chains when I was done.

I walked in and grabbed my camel, having to lure it out with a fresh carrot. A few of its buddies followed along, and I had to push them back into the cage and then use a piece of rope to tie the gate shut again.

But now I finally have a camel for when Yugi decides he wants his car back. Which I'm thinking will be soon; he's coming to visit and I can't easily hide the car. He's got radar for it or something. He can find it in a used car lot, in a warehouse parking lot, in Disney Land.....

Glad I'm prepared, though.

  
  


**Beer was the staple drink in Ancient Egypt.


	12. Telemarketers and Camel Hair

A/N: Tada! A new chapter ^^ HUGE thanks to the reviews from last chapter (namely, Borath, molten-amber, shadow-demon18b, Tamara Raymond, innominate, Yueh Kitsune, Cyberkat, animerose1, and angel_soul03)! The Duel Camp chapter *is* in the making, but I need to download the original commercial-series for it off of a site so I can include a few of the actual "Yami trademark moves", and I have to find that site again to do that... I haven't forgotten, and *pokes animerose1/aka Duel Camp Counselor no. 1* requests for cameos there are still open. I mean, I really dislike coming up with names for new characters, so I'm happy to include people who want to be included.

The idea for this particular update came from Innominate ^^ *huggles Innominate/Kimmie*

Innominate: ...Sorry if you or anyone you know is or has been a telemarketer. Normally I try to be polite, but it's not like I was even rude, I just hung up before he did. *facepalms* Guy's going to be bitter very soon if he keeps that job. I swear I will owe you SO MUCH if you will parody him for me. 

Me: Tada! I had fun coming up with a way to set it all up, too ^^ Plus, at work, we keep getting these telemarketers... At home we don't have to deal with them for the most part anymore. We have a Telezapper which hangs up automatically on anything that's listed as a telemarketer; just in case anyone's wondering what that gadget does.

Innominate: Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with a Malik on top?

Me: LoL! ^^ Ah, my ultimate weakness...You *really* know how to get me to do things! *purrrrrrs over the idea of Malik...* ^^ I'll have you know that the *entire* time I wrote this, all I could picture was Malik...and whipped cream and a cherry... *happy sigh* I think you could tell me to jam my toes in a light socket and I'd do it happily if you tempted me with Malik ~.^

Yami Yugi Moves Out!

October 4:

So Yugi came over, finally. He brought The Gang.

The whole time I was getting punch ready (Edith's idea; she also made cookies for us) my hands were shaking and sloshing sugarry water all over the counters. Yugi might not seem the type to bear a grudge, but he is the type to make you feel guilty. Forever.

Plus, I have lots to feel guilty for, now. I mean, I stole his car. I stole his ID. There's a new commercial campaign about that; about identity theft. It's a conspiracy to make people like me feel guilty or something. I haven't been watching much TV lately because of it.

Edith kept patting my head and telling me not to worry. Also kept adding that I should lock up Bobbie. Am still uneasy around him, but figured being in the darkness all the time is more likely to make him go mad than it is to break his spirit, so I keep him in the hall with lights on him all the time.

Anyway, when I heard Joey's car come up (you can always tell if it's his car; it pops and bangs and sometimes honks as it goes around corners), I abandoned the punch. Like strawberry Kool-Aid is so important when Yugi's about to sentence me to a life of remorse.

Went and peeked out of the curtains (which are the only part we really got around to re-modeling so far; they're orange-and-brown striped. Am not fond of it, but agreed the living room is Edith's choice and the halls are mine).

Saw Yugi, smiling, get out of Joey's car. Saw his smile fade when his Car Radar kicked in and he looked at his "stolen" car sitting in slot 144; the same number as my apartment. Saw him get his "angry" look.

Really, the 'confrontation' wasn't too bad. He was mad, but he forgave me. After I gave him back his license and car keys, anyway. Didn't tell him about how I had to drug Tristan to get them. Also didn't tell him about my Back Up Plan (i.e., the camel I'm now going to ride to work). He doesn't like camels that much. When we went to Egypt last summer he kept saying they were spitting in his shoes. Like a camel would *plan* to spit in someone's shoes. He's such a conspiracy theorist. ...Must be where I get it from.

After that, and after Yugi said sometime he'd help me get my own driver's license, we sat down and everyone got along well. Joey wanted to pet Bobbie, but couldn't get the chains off the lid, so had to settle for watching the evil scorpion hunt crickets. I swear the boy's insane. Or at least a masochist.

After they went home, it seemed really quiet, so Edith turned on the TV while we cleaned up. She likes to watch the news at 10:16 every night anyway. The news starts at 10, but she says the happy stories come on after the depressing ones, and she'd take a story about the world's oldest dog's 130th birthday party over pictures of car accidents any day.

Well, turns out, the camel is going to be missed. The zookeepers count them every morning or something. They couldn't figure out why someone would only take *one* camel, so I don't think they're on to me. Apparently the last time a cage got broken into, it was by a group who wanted all the animals to be free, and so the zoo also couldn't figure out why I closed the gate again.

But one thing was clear by the end of that. I can't just go to work on a camel, when the police are looking for it. I'll get thrown in jail. I'll lose my job. And let's face it, my reputation as a crazy Game King was hard enough to turn to my advantage the *first* time around, I don't need my good name tarnished by people thinking I've gone to prison and gotten tattoos and re-named myself Snake.

I have the barn covered with Shadow Magic. Now it looks dangerous, like the bottom of the big pit the barn is in is a poisonous lake. I did that so that no one would be tempted to steal my camel. Had lots of problems with camel thieves when I was Pharaoh. Actually had lots of problems with thieves of all kinds towards the end, when I was busy with Shadow Games. Stupid Bakura.

I couldn't figure out how to disguise the camel, though. I decided to make it look like a car, or rather, make everyone see a car when they looked at it, but I know almost nothing about things on wheels. So had Edith suggest a car.

She was really eager, actually. Showed me a photograph of what she said is a "Lambourghini". Was a photograph that belonged to one of her men friends; he died last week, and so she kept his wallet photo album. Wondered who got the car; she said it was sold to the state. Guess I'm out of luck for that.

But on the bright side, my camel now appears to people like a really bright red sports car.

October 6:

Phones are funny things. Very modern. Very odd.

You know how some things are just...so *normal* to you that you forget they even exist? Like Yugi. He forgets that he's wearing socks. He's even taken showers in them without realizing it until his feet were all soggy and linty.

Phones must be so normal to Edith that she forgot they need to be payed for.

Do I sound annoyed? I guess I shouldn't be. She pays the phone bill, except on the cell phone I have, so really, isn't the home phone hers?

But still. Grandpa called my cell (at work. While I was going into the details of mummification; my class was about turning green from all the detail I was telling them, and then out of nowhere, 'La Cucuracha' starts playing and completely kills the mood.) He was all in a panic, asking if I'd moved away or been evicted or something because the phone at the apartment had been disconnected, and did I need money to pay for the bills, was that what this was about?

So that got *me* into a panic. You know, privately. In my own head.

...It's not like I knew disconnected phones aren't life threatening. Yugi took me to see action films; every time the phone's busy or broken, it's because someone's getting murdered. So I left 'ObiWanGirl' in charge and raced home. As fast as my camel would take me, anyway. Which isn't saying much. I can make him look like a sports car, but he won't run like one. Even Shadow Magic has its limits.

Edith was at her shop (we passed by it slowly enough that I not only read all of her upcoming sales pitches, but saw that she was chatting to someone at her desk.) I ran in, checked for villains in need of vanquishing, threatened the customer with a glare, etc.

"Oh, dear," Edith said when she finally got out of me what was wrong. "Yes, I was looking at the bill just now. I got it sorted out, but I'm afraid we won't have an answering machine anymore, or the Caller ID..."

I hadn't even known we had that.

"...or the Telezapper."

Still don't have any idea what that is. So I nodded, satisfied we had the phone back and she wasn't about to be tortured to death, and went back to work. Which didn't turn out so well because no one was in the class room.

Lena left a note on the board, "Hey Mr. Yami we went to get cappuccinos see you Friday~Lena", and Borath lit my pencils on fire. 'ObiWanGirl' put a bright orange sticker on my teacher's manual, but not before someone doodled on all the pages. Really need to find a better way to keep my notes and schemes for my classes together.

They're *all* going to groom the camel for this, by the way.

Later that day, at home:

The phone has been ringing non-stop. Edith's still at work, so I'm left alone to deal with all of it. And I can't just "let the machine" get it anymore, because we don't have one. The phone looks so...alone without all the extra gadgets around it.

Well, it may *look* alone, but it's not. We've had twelve calls in thirty minutes, plenty of people trying to keep it company. We used to get maybe five calls per *day*.

I let one of them ring for three minutes. When they didn't seem to want to hang up, I picked up and, very grudgingly, asked, "Hello?"

At first there was no answer. So I tried again. "Hello?"

Finally, I heard something click and a tinny voice, complete with Fake Cheer, said, "Hello, I'm Robert from Payco Cutlery. We would like to offer you some..."

"I don't think so, we can barely afford our phones right now..."

The *whole* time I was talking, he didn't stop. Was like he didn't even hear me. Just kept going on and on about his special deals.

And then I realized; it was a recording. Not a ransom recording, either. What sort of sick person does that? Why would you send a recording to someone and not have it be about the dangers their loved ones are in? Even Pegasus understood that. I thought it was a basic rule of life, but no.

I hung up, considering hunting this person down and teaching him a thing or two about life and how dangerous it is to confuse someone wielding Shadow Magic. Before I could, the phone rang again.

I picked up again, somehow knowing I shouldn't. "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Robert. From Payco." This time he didn't sound tinny.

"Oh. Hello, *Robert*."

"Hello," he said again, ignoring the dark tilt I used when I said his name. "I'd like to offer you some special deals..."

"Like I was saying to your *sick* joke of a sales pitch, I'm-"

And just like his recording, he was still talking, even though now I knew he was real. "...So you see, it's really a great offer, and since you seem to have an interest in..."

"-No, I'm really not interested in *anything* that takes money right now-"

"...which I think is great. In fact, I think it's perfect, for you. All it is..."

"-Are you listening to me?" Obviously he wasn't. I shrugged to myself and hung up again. He shouldn't have been that surprised; I hung up on his stupid recording, after all.

But he called back right after that anyway. As if I didn't give him a firm enough hint. Plus, he spoke before *I* did. Before I could even say *hello*.

"This is Robert. ...One hundred and thirty dollars will..."

"Are you even going to wait to see if you got the right number? You twisted little sea weasel!"

That got his attention. "I don't think there's any call for insults," he said, icily.

"Oh," My voice went right past "icy" to "Arctic". "Believe me, there's call for it. Do you know what I thought when you called? I thought, 'Maybe it's the police, maybe they found me. Or maybe it's Yugi, maybe he's sick, or maybe he wants to make me feel not-so-guilty with a strawberry milkshake.' And do you know what I thought when I heard your recording? Do you?"

He tried to talk so I cut him off, just like he did to me. "I thought, 'Dear Ra, it's a recording, it has to be Malik or Pegasus or some other psycho out for my blood again. They must have Yugi; maybe they're torturing him, maybe they've killed Ryou Bakura again, maybe Grandpa's been turned into a dishwasher.' Do you know what that feels like, *Robert*?"

Silence. I took a deep breath and finished with, "Oh, and...I tried your product. You know, I ordered it off the television. They broke when I used them on a padlock. But I still have the paring knife. Thanks anyway." I dropped my voice back to a growl. "But don't ever call here again."

I hung up again. The phone rang right away. Edith this time, asking me to see if one of her shows was on, and if it was, was it a rerun?

After that was sorted out, Grandpa called. He kept me on the phone for an hour and a half, and I still don't know what he was talking about. Think he just wanted to talk to someone and was tired of the houseplant Yugi gave him.

He's really lonely I think. Told Edith and she offered to take him out with some of her friends on Friday. So Yugi and Grandpa and I are going shopping Thursday. Have seen Grandpa's "party clothes", and they won't jive with Edith's group.

Grandpa has party clothes that are identical to Yugi's, which I guess were identical to mine too, until I moved out. Now I have to educate him on royal blue wool suits and celluloid collars and how fashion faux pas are really grand if you want Myrtle to like you. Myrtle is the group's fashion expert, and we all say that only to her face. When we're with Myrtle we get molasses crinkles and pink lemonade and brown-eyed Susan cake, but in return we all have to dress like...well, like her or her husband, God Rest His Soul.

P.S., "God Rest His Soul" was not her husband's name; she just says that every time she mentions him. It kind of grows on you. Anyway, have to go get brushes for my camel-more importantly, for my class's punishment.

October 7:**

Today was supposed to be a holiday. Meaning, schools closed, post office shut down, etc. Which is really inconvenient, but I managed to track down my students anyway. Couldn't think of a way to convince them that they needed to comb out the knots from the paint of a sports car, so I just let them see my camel as it is.

Then I wiped their minds and made them think they waxed my car to avoid confusion and possibly the police. I'm not taking any chances.

Anyway, while they were doing that on the lawn of the apartment, who should come along but... No, not Yugi. Not even Kaiba.

Mr. Ragged-Hair, Jagged Eye-Liner, Gold-Spray-Painted Jewelry himself, Malik Ishtar. Okay, so his jewelry's real gold. I should know. He only got *all* his belongings from my Non-Tomb (being the Nameless Pharaoh, I didn't technically get a tomb. Got put in a Puzzle as consolation prize for saving the world, and the grave keepers got to live with all of my favorite possessions, instead.) Wouldn't be so bitter to him if it weren't for *Robert* making me think someone was giving me a ransom message. Probably. I mean, Malik might be my "loyal" servant now, but every now and then I think he gets this hankering for my title. And to torture me. But that could just be paranoia....

Anyway, my students were all soaked and covered with wet camel fur, and I was sitting on the porch drinking rhubarb juice. Or is it called "Rhubarb-ade?" Hm. And then Malik comes up, does a double take, stops his motorcycle. As if he's never seen a camel before. As if he's never *washed* a camel before.

"Wh...what is that?" He sounded like he was trying not to laugh. Or maybe like he was about to sneeze; maybe he's allergic to camels.

"It's..." I figured he probably wasn't seeing a car on the lawn. "...my camel."

He started to roll his eyes a little, but caught himself. "I know *that*. I'm not blind. What is it doing here? It's a little cold for camels."

Noticed that he was shivering a little. I haven't lived here any longer than *he* has, but at least I know the use in having a coat handy. Or if I simply *must* wear something sleeveless, at least I have the sense to wear leather. It's much thicker than those silk shirts he wears.

I sighed, feeling like a long-suffering ruler. Again. "Yugi took his car away, and Robert sold me some knives, and I decided I needed some way to get to work and this was the only thing I could think of. It's not like I have a birth certificate, which I need to get my licens--" And then, Bam! I realized. *Malik* doesn't have a birth certificate, either. But he did have a *motorcycle*, right there at my curb.

Considered ordering him to give it to me, but dismissed the idea. Don't know how to ride it for one thing. Plus it looks like it was designed for him...he's a little bit taller than me, so my legs wouldn't fit as comfortably. Might look ridiculous besides.

So I interrogated him. Found out he just forged one. Offered to let him touch the Millennium Rod if he'd forge me one, too, and just got a strange look from him. He did agree to do it in the end, though, so I'll be getting a license sooner or later. Hopefully.

**: What kind of a holiday is on October 7th, you ask? ...Not a clue We'll just say it was someone's birthday, and that someone did something famous, and so Domino made it a holiday.

  
As to the whole Oct. 7th scene...well, that was mainly for my benefit. Y'know, a warm-up for the other Diary, when I get around to doing the bits where Yami and "Marik" meet. So, don't let it ever be said that Pachelbel *can't* turn sarcasm on her Blond Egyptian Idol. Now we can say honestly that this Yami is snarky to everyone, even the author's favorite character. *pets Malik*


	13. Camels, Cows, and Debt

A/N: Helix! Here it is! (finally!) For all other readers, go to http: www. deviantart. com/deviation / 12400092/ and http: www. deviantart. com/ deviation / 12450173/ (take out the spaces of course) to find some _really _nice fanart for this story .

Yami Yugi Moves Out!

October 9:

Malik came by today with my new license. Boy works fast, I'll give him that. Also got a birth certificate; name is now "Atem Yami Pharaoh Mutou". Don't want to know where he got a baby to put little inky foot- and handprints all over the paper….

Have been developing way to make camel go faster. Went to the chemistry building at work and asked them to make some rocket boots for a large, four-legged animal, but that may take a while. And some explaining. And some brainwashing.

Ten minutes later:

Realized something terrible. Duelist camp will make me reveal my secrets. My secrets allow me to win. Seto Kaiba will be free to trounce all over me after I'm done spreading my tricks around like grape jam. This is very, very bad.

October 10:

Got a call from Joey today. Led to what has to be the weirdest day in...ever. And I've had some doozies. (Edith's saying, not mine.)

Anyway, Joey calls and I think, "hey, he's grown up, he's accepting that I'm my own person!" I mean, he still calls me Yugi when I live almost a whole city from the nearest Mutou. Very annoying.

The first thing he says when I pick up is, "How's it going?" and so I say, "Fine, thanks for aski–"

"So Yugi, want to go out on the town?"

Despite that rudeness...I said yes. I needed to get out of the house to figure out what to do about the secrets-vs-losing-to-Seto-Kaiba fiasco. Which is _still _giving me headache. Ouch.

Had to go get Joey, as his car finally stopped running. So I had to figure out how to get my camel to take two people. As Pharaoh, I never rode with anyone else, and it sounded uncomfortable.

Joey's dorm is right in the middle of the University of Domino campus. Felt a little edgy, as his university is the rival of the one I work at and I have a "University of Uno Rules!" bumper sticker on my camel's butt. It was like walking into enemy territory, except my enemies were all vacant-eyed yokels who didn't even react to a "sports car" driving on their lawns, but started growling when they saw my Pro-U.of U bumper sticker.

Joey's dorm was all the way at the back of the campus. A not-so-funny thing about dorms is _they all_ _look the same. _Like the architect was bored, or tracing the design from a book, or obsessed with brown-brick-white-trim-pointy-window style. Would hate to be obsessed with buildings. Would be very, very boring.

So tied my camel up outside the dorm and raced up the stairs to the third floor (why must friends always live so high up? Like the world is trying to seal them away in a tower. Am mostly sure they don't deserve to be locked away, so it is decidedly a nuisance.) Found out I was in the girls' dorm. Raced back downstairs and to the next building. Found Joey's room much more easily in that one.

Another thing about dorms is they're always _named _after people. And the ones at Joey's school are all named after the _same _person. Except random initials are stuck in between the first and last name, so we can all tell the difference with ease. Unless you're drunk or tired or sick, in which case you have no hope of ever finding your bed or roommate ever again.

So Joey was sprawled out on his bed, listening to music, etc. Like his whole floor was doing. Like they can really study when their music is blaring so loud it shakes their books off their desks…will have to investigate to make sure _my _students don't do this. Would be very, very bad for image.

Joey jumped up and began hunting for shoes. Noticed his socks had holes in the feet (or is it soles? Don't only shoes have soles? And some kinds of religions? Is a stupid word), and wondered if maybe his shoes had been burned as firewood when he wasn't looking. Dorm smelled smoky enough. And rubbery enough. Ew.

I finally told him to just wear his rain boots (bright yellow ones) and then had to threaten him before he'd do it. But then he wanted to change into baggier pants, and so had to search his entire room before finding muddy jeans big enough to cover his boots.

Finally got back out to the camel. At first he was excited (again, ignoring the fact that there was a _sports car on the lawn._) but then I stopped using Shadow Magic on him. Then he saw camel and brightened even more. Should have been suspicious, but no, I was just swept up with friendship happiness—having a friend who liked camels, who appreciated my creativity, etc.

Went back through the labyrinth of dorms and buildings and pathways (all of them built _around _the huge, nice red-leafed trees here…again, wonder about IQ of architects, since this campus was built _in a forest…_) and finally found the freeway. Had to go under it and stick to surface roads. Felt much stronger desire for rocket boots and made a note on Dec. 7 page to call the chemistry professors again.

We ended up at some big, empty parking lot, stretching from a broken chain link fence to infinity. Ok, not _that_ far, but I had trouble seeing the end of it.

Was a little disturbed to find all sorts of teenagers sitting there, just like the gang of Yo-Yo bandits Joey knew a few years ago. Reached for deck and put a hand over Millennium Puzzle, but Joey just started saying, "Hey, guys!" and waving. And the bandits waved back lazily.

Then noticed very obvious smell of camels. Camel_s, _with an _s. _More than one. Judging by the stink, a whole lot more than one. I started looking around, but couldn't see or hear any.

"Are we gonna do this?" The smallest of the group said. He was probably only a little taller than me, if we're not counting my hair. If we are counting hair, I was towering over him. Probably.

"Yeah," Joey said, hopping down. "Just…ah, gimme a minute, will ya?"

When they'd shuffled away into an empty building, Joey turned and looked up at me. "Uhm…Yugi, I figured you'd want a challenge. It's been a while, right?"

"Well…" have figured out the trick to canasta, so it had been a while since I'd been challenged. Have been marking off the days until Seto Kaiba comes back for a rematch, but still have about twenty days to go. "Yes, I suppose it has." I looked around carefully. "What is going on?"

"You're gonna race your camel!" He beamed as he said it.

"Against…?"

"Uhm…some other camels." He snorted. "And a cow."

"A cow-camel?"

"Huh?"

Didn't have time to explain to him about cow-camels because then the other racers came back, with their large and overly-muscled camels. Made mine look like a…a string bean.

I struck a sitting-down gaming pose. "I accept your challenge, Joey! And I shall prevail!" Wondered if I ought to choose something to win _for, _since I didn't want to say, 'For the good of money!' Thought a minute and then added, "For the good of getting out of debt!"

Everyone blinked a few times, shrugged and cheered half-heartedly. Camel racers are lazy people. Except me, but am Game King and not just a camel racer.

Looked over the competition, still a little uneasy about having the wimpiest looking camel there, and then the ground started to tremble. Just a little…may have been more my intuition than a real shake, actually.

But then I turned around and saw the biggest, most bulked-out dairy cow I'd ever laid eyes on. And I've seen a lot. Yugi used to love to go visit the dairy farm.

Like I said, camel racers are lazy. Camel races are a little slow. But cows? Big, bulked-out cows?

Everyone took their place. I got put in between a white camel and a really dark brown one, and the cow got put on the far right.

"Right, so y'all know the drill. Go when we wave the flag, race inside the painted lines." Luckily the lines were painted dark green, very hard to miss except at night. "Any questions." When everyone mumbled a "no", the judge stepped back and nodded at Joey.

Joey took a big, red blanket and waved it once, then started screaming cheers at me.

All the camels stood around for a few seconds before they started walking, gradually working up to a trot. The cow was jogging already.

Finally got my camel to match its speed, then slowly to pass it. But as soon as we were ahead, I hear _Chomp_, turn around, and find the cow has latched its teeth onto my camel's butt. Luckily, as I said, I have a _U of Uno _sticker. Cow _ripped_ it off, and camel started running as fast as it ever had. Which was actually pretty fast; but it was hard to turn then. Had to practically hang off the edge, yanking on the reins until my arms shook, sweat pouring down my face and so on, but I managed. Victory was ours.

So was an extra twenty dollars and a bald spot on camel's behind. Will look into Rogaine.

But all that excitement got my mind moving. Finally figured it out: do not have to share _dueling _secrets or _deck _secrets with kids. Kids like fancy moves, they like the window dressing, since they are too young to know about the super-secret anti-darkness double card maneuver.

Have list of things to teach daycamp kids:

_Drawing a Card! (with enough gusto to scare the pants off your opponent)_

_Flipping a Card to Face-Up position! (and not laughing when the taste of victory is in your mouth)_

_Being Confident but Not Too Much!_

_Wardrobe!_

_Where Not to Carry Your Deck!_

Need a few more things before camp is ready, but am confident completely. Ah yes. Things will work out well.


	14. Flea Bitten and Dorm Bound

A/N: I'm BS-ing my way through some Ancient Egyptian religious references. Also pretending that fleas can live on dead things. Bad Pachelbel, I know.

Yami Yugi Moves Out!

Chapter Fourteen

November 13

Midterms are coming. I wanted to grade the mummified cats but turns out, am not allowed to use dead animals in class unless I have a degree in zoology. Or some kind of -ology…can't remember which one, but "zoo" means animals, so it's close enough.

I was going to argue and try to get my way at the staff meeting but it brought up the point that I'm teaching and don't even have a degree in _Egypt_ology, so I let the subject go. Was safer for me, really. Job security and all that.

But that left me with a problem. Students had already sent their projects home with me, and I couldn't keep them in the apartment. Not enough room in my bedroom for 42 wrapped up cat bodies, and Edith screamed when I tried to put them in the front room. Said something about a 'fire hazard' and 'eviction'. 'Bad omen', also, but I scoffed too much to hear the rest of that sentence.

Still, it was clear the cats couldn't start their journey through the afterworld at my apartment. So I did what any normal man would do. I took them to Yugi's.

Am sitting on Yugi's couch now, actually. All the cats are piled up on the coffee table.

Sitting there with the scent of card ink, burnt carpet, cooking tofu, resin and linen around me, I realized that I have really missed Yugi. Also dinner with Yugi. And talking to Yugi. And dueling with Yugi. And having Grandpa cheer for me and Yugi.

…Have not missed Grandpa's cookies though. Yuck. Still have the same flavor as the Duel Monsters booster packs he sells.

I had already called Yugi and asked him to come to the shop, but when Grandpa saw the coffee table he dashed back to the phone and "reminded" Yugi to hurry home.

Few minutes later, Yugi walked in. Well, sort of. He was dragging two backpacks and both were half his height and twice his weight…. Decided to help him instead of sit around watching. After a while.

Problem is, am almost the same size as Yugi, and didn't have much better luck with getting the packs over the stairs. Was considering signing up for weight lifting class at work, but then decided to just use Shadow Magic to make the stairs turn into an escalator-shaped monster.

Even gravity is no match for a Pharaoh. …Except in Memory World where there are cliffs and crazy thief "kings", but let's not go into that.

Yugi took the pile on the table much better than Grandpa or Edith.

"…What is that?"

"Midterm project for my classes, but we're not allowed to use animals because I'm teaching the wrong –ology."

A few blinks. "Oh…what are you going to do with those things?"

"I don't suppose people get buried with cats anymore."

Yugi smiled a little, the way he does when he gets what I'm saying but isn't sure _why_ he does. "No."

"Then I guess I'll just have to find something else."

"Well…" Yugi frowned at the pile, then shook his head. "Mm. No…no."

"What?" He didn't look like he was going to answer. Time to break out the heavy-duty weapon. "_Aibou?"_

Yugi shuffled a foot. Ahah. Direct hit. "I was just thinking, some of them look like statues. And there's a modern-art furniture store that would probably take some of these. Like that one, since it doesn't look like a cat."

We both paused to stare at the grotesque little figure. It had _six_ legs. If I hadn't known better I'd have unwrapped it to find out how it grew two extra legs after it died.

But back to Yugi's idea. "That's brilliant!"

"…But, I don't know…you'd be selling _mummies_ to a furniture store. Isn't that bad?"

Well, when he put it that way…. "I'd get money? They'd _pay_ me?"

Shock. "_Atem!"_

Secret real name. Uh-oh. That's when a sliver of reason hit me. What was I _saying? _They'd make really ugly furniture anyway. "…You're right."

"That's…that's…that's like when Joey said we should find _your_ mummy and sell it to the museum!"

"He what?"

Then Yugi was just staring at me in wide-eyed "oops didn't mean to let that slip" horror, and I was flipping through my mental list of non-fatal torture procedures, and then it sank in that this was how those cats must feel. Only less betrayed because I wasn't their best dueling buddy. Plus they're cats and kind of loners, and in this day and age are used to being kicked around everywhere they turned.

(Note to self: must buy a cat and treat it properly. Make Edith and Yugi bow to it also. This will be difficult since, as I've said, I don't deal well with cats…can't even deal with Bobby.)

"Look, he didn't really mean it disrespectfully…. And when I told him not everyone wants to be displayed after they're dead" –Joey wants to be cast in bronze after he 'kicks the bucket'— "he felt really bad about what he'd said."

Suppose I can be his friend again, in that case. I nodded to Yugi and frowned back at the cats. "Well, perhaps there _is_ something we can do with them."

"Mm?"

So ten minutes later, there we were at the Ishtars' house. I was glad to see that Isis answered the door, since she still respects me.

I didn't wait for any introductions before I went into my speech. "Isis Ishtar, I call upon the clan of the gravekeepers. I am in desperate need of your irreplaceable service."

Isis is very good at looking stunned and honored _and_ completely in control at the same time. Is eery; must learn this trick from her.

Rishid was vacuuming and ignored me.

Malik just looked suspicious.

When none of them said anything, and Isis nodded her acceptance, I said, "Your mission is this: you are to guard the pile—er, the _trunk_ of novicely-mummified cats until the moon turns green and spins backwards."

Even Rishid stopped moving, so the vacuum just sat there whining. The Ishtars were silent.

Malik finally stood up. "When's the last time you t—"

"Of course." Isis clapped a hand over his mouth. "We accept the mission, Pharaoh." Then she turned to Malik and whispered in his ear. He snickered and walked away.

Felt vaguely insulted without knowing why, so didn't feel the least bit bad about dropping off the cats.

"I think they think you're crazy, Yami." Yugi said as we drove back to his place.

"What makes you say that?"

I never did get an answer out of him. Was going to hound him for answers again but he gave me a new pack of cards to sort out and is now asleep. Must dig answers out of him at a more convenient time, i.e. when he's not expecting it. Like when he's in the shower.

November 14:

Everyone who's come to mine and Edith's apartment is itchy.

Including us.

Turns out we have _fleas._ Yes. Fleas.

Edith tried to blame it on my mummy-cat projects, but then I pointed out that Yugi and Grandpa and the Ishtars hadn't got fleas, so it couldn't have been. Argued for a while and made a truce over prune juice. Hah. The Truce of Prune Juice. Ehh….

Anyway, we agreed to split the cost of an exterminator (had to have her explain the difference between an Exterminator and a _Terminator_, thanks to Joey's repeated attempts to make me enjoy 'cultural movies' about robots.) But while the house is being exterminated, will have to live elsewhere.

Thought about going back to Grandpa's, but will have lots of work to do and camel can't make the trip between the Game Shop and school fast enough. Luck was on my side at work though, in the form of an ad. I have much luck with magazines and advertisements.

_Temporary Dorm Monitor needed! Experience helpful but will take anyone!_

_Call Jean at…._

So I whipped out my cell and called Jean right on the spot. He wasn't sure he wanted a professor to be in charge of his dorm, but I went into Son of Ra mode and he caved like quicksand.

With that out of the way, now I had to deal with my class. We had to get midterms out of the way, so I assigned them twelve-page essays on which Dynasty we'd talked about would have stood the most chance of success when pitted against another. Then dismissed the classes for the day.

Decided not to take any clothes from the itchy apartment, since they were probably crawling with vermin (even my work tuxedo wasn't safe), and stopped off at Yugi's dorm. Was a two-hour camel ride, by the way. Am rethinking this mode of transportation. Would probably get around faster if I saddled up the Celtic Guardian instead….

Was surprised to find Yugi _in_ his dorm studying. With some kind of loud music playing, too, but he was still there in the dorm _studying._

As usual, though, he noticed me before I got three feet in the room. Much too soon for me to startle him like I used to. "Hey, Yami! What are you doing here?"

I sighed. "I need a flea bath and some changes of clothes, Yugi. I'll be staying in a dorm room for a few nights while my apartment is terminated. Er, _ex_terminated."

"Fleas?" A wash of horror over the boy's face as he pressed himself back against his desk.

"Yes. We don't know from _what_, but it shall be taken care of shortly. I've been able to keep the fleas from staying on my skin, but they hide in my clothing and attack when I don't watch them. I don't know what they intend to do with me—they can't be getting much nutrition from me—but whatever they're planning, they're a nuisance."

Yugi kept staring at me for a minute. Then he pointed at the hall. "Maybe you should take that bath before you get into my clothes. It's straight down the hall. I'll take you some clothes in a few minutes so you can change, ok?"

"Thank you."

Soaked in my tuxedo for a while, until I was sure the fleas were drowned in the specialized flea-killing bath. Then I climbed out and, just like Yugi had promised, there was a pair of leather pants and our favorite sleeveless-strait jacket shirt. Has been much, much too long since I wore leather and bondage. Am sexy and must flaunt it more often.

Now am ready to head to my dorm.

November 15:

Bobby is a big success with the zoology students. Have sent him to live with them while we're staying here. Can breathe easy for the first time in months.

Can even use temporary closet space for something other than a death trap. Celebrated absence of scorpions by putting all my clothes away where they belong.

Life is good.


End file.
